Cootie Cootie Cootie (Games Junk #15)

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100_4410.JPGIt's from Schaper. This one found in a thrift store is 90% complete. It was cheap, so I bought it for the kitsch of it. I never owned this game, but when I went to my cousins house, we'd play this from time to time until they had lost all the parts or they were sucked up in the vacuum. You'd be surprised how many games that kids get lose parts to the vac or dropped down heating vents. I lost two pair of good headphones to the evil vac. Countless army guys, Lite Brite pegs, misc game pieces as well as 16 cents were found in the vents when my furnace was replaced. Dig that funky 60's writing in the name "Cootie".

100_4411.JPGI like that the box had a little strap on it so you could carry your cooties all over the place. Of course, I don't think I wanted too. Girls would all say that "I have COOTIES" and all I could say is "Yes, Wanna play this really moronic game that has been played by more that 40 million children in two generations?" They would laugh and go play dolly while I'd proceed to light the Cooties on fire and watch them melt as all boys did. Fire was cool.

100_4414.JPGHere was another slogan on the box. Lots of slogans on this box. "The Cootie Company" was a nifty game company as well. It was Schaper. She-OP. I like that game company name. It's almost as catchy as one of my favorite grocery store chains. SHEEEEEOP and SAVE! You see when you go there, you SHOP and then...strangely SAVE! Hahahahahahahaha.

100_4412.JPGHere's why I couldn't love the Cootie. "Two Or More Players". Really, I wouldn't have anybody to play this with or if I did, it would be a bore fest after one game and I'd quickly see how these Cooties held up to bombings with Legos or some other worthless time killer. In fact, I think the only game I may have had listed on the back of this was "Don't Break The Ice" bought from a thrift shop when I was a few years older. I used to race Hot Wheels and Matchbox cars across the ice breaking cubes until the cars fell through or the "bridge" caved in. That was fun. I used to tape books together to make bridges across my room. Heh. See what we did before there was EVERYTHING else?

100_4417.JPGThe funny thing was, I never remember this part of the game. I guess you rolled the dice and found piece that you could make your little plastic bug with. I guess.  We never had this when I was playing at my cousins place. You placed the pieces parts in this board and pulled them out when you were putting together your Cootie. They might have done away with this board because it encourages the little ones to pull legs and wings of captured insects. ICK. I wouldn't even get close to a bug. We had the biting flies and all I ever did was swat them to their deaths or watched them fry on those cheap blue electric lamps we put up. You can check in, but you'll never... *ZZZZAP*

100_4418.JPGHere they are, all assembled. One is sans eyes. Like I said, this isn't a complete set, but I can't trace down the original owner of this game. If I could, I could tear up their furnace to find the parts. Likely I'd just end up with 16 cents. Aren't they cute little plastic bugs? Do you use plastic bug spray to get rid of them? CB-38. Preferred by 4 out of 5 frenzied Northeast employees that don't bathe despite their B.O.

100_4419.JPGHey. These are complete. There was enough parts for three out of four. They almost look like they are alive. It's another chance to have more fun than I ever did playing with this plastic crap as a kid. Can I think of a story where these things do battle and beat themselves silly and all the parts will fall down the vents and remain in the heating pipes until the heater gets replaced? Well...

100_4420.JPG"I am QUEEN PINK BUG. I may LOOK like every adult toy available at shops near the airport, but I'm no VIBRATOR. I am BUG! I will scatter when the lights come on and outrun any attempt to squash me underfoot. I'm QUEEN PINKBUG! Two SNAPS up with a CIRCLE! Give me some FRUITY DRINKS! Show me to the BATHS! I'm QUEEN PINKBUG!"

100_4421.JPG"Well I'm KING REDBUG! I'm not used as much as your color when making ADULT TOYS but I am associated with FIRE and EVIL. That makes me the RULER of the Cootie Bugs. I am the RULER"

"Um, Hey guys, I don't have any eyes, but I am GREEN and that means I'm a sick little BITCH. So, I'm the ruler of the Cooties. You can call me John Erreiah."

100_4422.JPG"Hey you crazy bugs. A Boo Boo baby. I'm the Blue Cootie baby. I got the BLUES. Call me K. Blooey. I'm not in this fight right. I'm just going to smoke dope over there and listen to some obscure jazz on Blue Note bay-bee. Here, I'm even laying down to show submission. You guys need to chill out man. Make peace not war man..."

100_4423.JPG"Eaaaaaagh Eaaaagh I'm no GREEN COOTIE with no yellow eyes like DATA would have had if this was a episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation or the bad last I am a ROBOT! ROBOT BUG! DATA BUG! Microsoft BUG! Green screen of DEATH! Like in FUTUREWORLD. They made noises like EAAAAAGH when their faces were removed revealing that they were robots. We'd get played a whole bunch of times on Cleveland's Big Chuck and Lil John making an impression on the author of this blog. Our prequel WESTWORLD would be a made into a TV show in 2016. We're ROBOZ, not like in the TV show RIPTIDE with master actors Perry King and Joe Penny. NO, we're put here to make all COOTIES conform to the COOTIE COLLECTIVE! You will be ASSIMILATED."

100_4424.JPG"AH HA HA! You are now part of the COLLECTIVE. Even you QUEEN PINK BUG. Now I SHAT on your PINK BODY. Um...well, that would be kind of gross since you look like an adult toy. It would imply that you either have a poo fetish or you were used to enter a place that is normally an exit. Ick. We don't have any of that nonsense in the COOTIE COLLECTIVE. We are all of one purpose. We will DOMINATE all of COOTIE world. We will fly into a vent and lose our wings and be called NOT TERMITES by a NODDING HEADED LADY!  Er..what's that noise? It's getting louder and LOUDER. OH NO! IS THERE ANY ESCAPE FROM NOISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"



100_4425.JPGWell, I didn't blur out the address on this one because it's long gone. I sucked all the Cooties up in my Dirt Devil in the last post. I tossed them in the trash long ago so there will be no more threats from any Cootie. Funny that toy manufacturers use to have replacement plastic parts available with a mail away coupon. Of course you could get "X-Ray" glasses and "Sea Monkeys" and "Space Rocks" from the back of comic books for cheap, so why not offer replacement plastic parts to your precious Cootie game for only a 50 cent investment to a likely $2.98 game. Heh. You could get HEAD or TAIL or even TOUNGE for 50 cents back in the day. Heh heh heh. Mr. Smutty mind. Just ask for "Catalog No. 200 B".


Bug Vac (They're Not Termites!)

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100_4320.JPGOnce upon a time, I lived in Toledo. I had a cracker box of a basement apartment with a mini fridge with an even smaller freezer space. Full frozen pizza? Nope. Defrost every three months? Yep. It had no rooms but did have a rather large closet area that I made into a computer room across from the bathroom.  It was my first place living alone. I think I had a vac for the carpet, but I don't remember actually using anything. I'd had room mates previous and always would use their floor cleaning tools. Maybe I just never dropped any crumbs or I used packing tape to pick up whatever. I certainly didn't have the power house next to this satanic filth sucker. Heh. Listen to that title. What about Scum Heathen? Lucifer's Crud Catcher?  Meh.

100_4321.JPGWhen I was trying to get another job after getting Clear Channel-ed, I had a friend say that I could get a "decent paying" gig working as a temp for insurance. Louisville had just had their floods which meant thousands of claims and this was one of the biggest insurers in the country. I didn't have much in the way of cash and I knew we could split a place, so I relocated to Louisville. We had a joint within a week. He had a vacuum. Once again, I didn't need one. He had a 80's Hoover upright that was loud but we didn't use it that much. Soon, part of working as a temp, you eventually were reassigned to another temp gig. Things began to change and the jobs began to suck. My friend decided to move on for a better gig in Illinois and I was alone again. He left the vac. I still had a vac. Then, the bugs came. DUN DUN DUN! 

100_4323.JPG My room in the apartment was directly facing a row of trees. They didn't look to be the best of trees but I didn't think too much. The bathroom had a cheap drop ceiling of what look like florescent light diffusers that are used in any office. The ceiling would shift when you closed the bathroom door or any door in the apartment. The vent fan routed to the outside but you couldn't see it unless you moved the ceiling tiles. Once day, coming home, I found several insects, some with wings , a few in the ceiling but some had dropped down to the bathtub and most to all were dead. It wasn't enough to cause me worry because after a few more the next day, there were none. I didn't think anything about it. A year later, I came home and ARRRRRRRRGGGGG! *slam* HOLY S*IT!!!! *goes to the apartment offices*

"I came home just now and there is a TON of little black bugs in my bathroom!"

"They're NOT Termites!"

"I don't know what they are, there is a ton in my apartment."

"We have an exterminator coming to spray tomorrow."

Thanks for telling me exactly what they were. Termites. They were infested in the dying tree/dead tree next to my apartment. I of course looked on the web, found out what they were and what they did which explained why a ton of them had died when they hit the bathtub, and more still had lost their wings or didn't fly. So, I went to Wally and spent my money on the cheapest vac I could get with attachments so I could vac up all the bugs and got some disinfectant so I could clean everything. The Dirt Devil did the trick. It had every attachment. Credit Card gulped the debt and superdoopervac sucked away all the carnage and got my floors clean.

100_4322.JPGIt is a pretty decent vac, and all very clean. Going from using an old Hoover to a DD with a bag that traps almost all of the dust in the bag, I liked it. One thing it was not however was whisper quiet. It was LOUDER than the old Hoover. I didn't care because I could use the tools to clean dust off the top of my 20" television or suck the dust from my cooling fan on my 100Mhz computer. It had nice attachments. The cord retainer was decent. It still works, but the hinge on the hose attachment went bad, other than that... NOISE! Is there any escape?

100_4324.JPGHere is the massive larvae from a left over Termite. AHHHHHHHHHHHH! Just kidding. Here is where the action is collected. A hard shell covers the bag. I now have this in my basement and clean my car with it, where outside, the noise it makes isn't so bad. I used this my whole time I was apartment bound here in Cleveland and then used it until asking for a new one for Christmas. I got a canister, lightweight with a motor that still makes a lot of noise but not nearly as much. It's got filters and a reusable dirt cup but I use it all the time for general cleaning. A few years back, I got the shop vac for deep cleaning and dirtier heavy duty jobs such as the basement and other areas where I need to suction.  I wish I could be more wistful on this device, but it was cheap, it lasted, and man did it pick up them bugs. That is all.



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100_4219.JPGWhat the hell is this? "Converts 120 VAC to 12VDC". Micronta? Red Led?  Sure I know. A man built this! It's a power supply!  Where'd it come from? What was it used for? Do I have any other stupid questions before I give up the answer? I'll provide you a question. How come all the cheap meatballs available frozen always taste like dookie and only the better ones cost a ton of money? Oh yeah, because there's MEAT in REAL MEATBALLS. What the hell is in those cheap meatballs? Do you make a meatball from "mechanically separated chicken, pork and beef"? Mom used to make them from ground beef and garlic. No bread crumbs, no egg. Hunts sauce. She must have used an egg bath to hold them together, but no stuffing at all. Even when we were so poor that my brother was stealing the last piece of American cheese from the bread in my lunch, mom made un-stuffed meatballs. . Maybe I just need to cook real food rather than using the microwave to resurrect Bologna balls from the depths of the freezer. 


In a nice steel box. With a real appliance switch. Paint job in that crinkled paint that was used on tools and heavy equipment. So, back when I was heavy into Citizen's Band radio, I used my radios in my car and that was that. 12V was cigarette lighter stuff. The only way to use something that was set up for 12V in the house, was to get a converter if it didn't have one built in. Most CBs didn't. Oh sure, there were base stations and other radio equipment but they were way beyond my pay grade back then.  Even this was costly. I think it was sold for $35, which when you were earning "triple gold" 25 hours a week 3.45 an hour (after 6 months) , it was a bit of an expense. I spent it so that I could talk on the CB to a nearby friend when he wasn't allowed to talk on the phone. He bought the very first portable Sony CD player and kept a quiet library of CD's but his parents would hear none of it. He had some strict parents. He must have a lead lined bedroom to be talking to me on the CB, or his parents thought he was praying... to a guy named Trapper and to the truckers on Ch. 19 from the nearby freeway.

100_4223.JPG That was my CB name. Trapper. It was also my Photon name. I guess I'd taken a liking to the name Trapper. Did I trap anything? Nope. Did I keep anything? Lots of stuff on this junk blog. Did I work in morning radio for years on a adult contemporary station in Cleveland? No. Was I from MASH? That's where I got the name. Did I ever get really good at Photon? Nope. Was I ever the top player at Photon? Nope. (Oh yeah, Photon was the first laser tag game and it was played on a sound stage similar to the catacombs of Star Trek: The Next Generation except in base grey rather than 80's pink and aqua.)  I forget what my friend's CB name was. You needed a fake "handle" if you were on the radio. Now, my friend Boomer would have something to say about this message on the bottom. "No user serviceable parts...blah blah blah" A lot of the CB peeps that had base stations at home usually did HAM radio and if you were a HAM likely you knew your way around the soldiering iron. Boomer BUILDS this stuff.

He recently replaced the blown caps on a cheap digital TV converter that I bought from a thrift store for four bucks because it had the remote. (How worthless are those boxes if they don't have the remote to operate them.) He also built his AM carrier current radio station. (Legal. Uses the wires that bring power to your home to broadcast for a few blocks.) His home TV was upgraded to 32" LCD after he picked one up from the trash and fixed the power supply. Okay, enough about repairs. I learned how to soldier when I worked cookie cutter repairs on CRT monitors for a few months. I still can't tell an OHM rating on a resistor. I guess I'm a user as well.

100_4222.JPGThis was cheap tech, but it was damn good tech. It still works. As it did, as it does. It still has the plastic wrap that protected the back side from scratching. Better yet, it was a bunch of electronics MADE IN THE USA! Made in 1984. Made in the good 'ol USA! I would have thought sure it was made in Taiwan by then.  The only thing bad about this is you had to buy two jacks for the power outlet. I think later they were screws. When you wired up some speaker cable to output these jacks, hooked them to the wires of your CB, it sang! It powered two years of CB use until I lost interest and well, haven't used it since. So really, I don't know if this still works, but with the components it was made from, likely, it still works like a charm. It's outdated as hell now. With discrete chips doing all the work of these massive components nowadays, anything that's meant for 12V use only works on regular power for as low as $2. I have several that convert my Sirius and radio transmitters to home use for nothing in the size a little bigger than a 5V power adapter. Technology moves on. Junk Blog never sleeps.



Everybody's Got One In Their Basement

100_4350.JPGSelf: "Self? I think I need to get a treadmill."

Inner Self: "You just need to diet fat ass. Stop drinking beer beverage. "

Self: "Give up BEER? No No Devo!"

Inner Self: "Well then, why not exercise more than sitting your doompas in front of a monitor."

Self: "I could... It's winter so walking isn't the best unless I join the mall walkers club at a participating dead mall..."

Inner Self: "Gosh, you are a fat blubber whale of a fatbody Private Pyle."

Self: "I know! I'll get a treadmill. I know I'll use it more than 20 times until setting it in the corner of the basement to collect dust. "

Inner Self: "In 10 years or so, it will make a great junk blog post. Go fourth and mortgage that 24 pack!"

100_4356.JPGA man built this! It's a treadmill! I went to the local SEARS (yes, Sears, because Dicks Sporting Goods was $2746 more and Wally had an even cheaper treadmill that seemed like it would be adequate, but not, at least, lasting.)  So, my brother and I went and picked up this sucker and I set it up in a portion of my apartment and I was off to the races. *stumble* *fall* *crashes into a mirror* *breaks a shelf* *hurts foot* *hurts wrist* Maybe I should have been wearing a bicycle helmet while I was striding to no place on this fine machine.  You see, I had lost a LOT of weight, and the key to it was diet, exercise, and giving up beer beverage. I was dry for a hundred days or so and walked about 2 miles. Every day. But, with every diet, there comes the slow pace of gaining everything back. I wasn't horrible, but I'd gained 20 back and it was nearing winter, so what a solution. Join a gym or bring the gym home.  It was a compact unit and I would wheel it out in front of my TV and walk three miles a day.

100_4352.JPGWeslo brand. Cadence 70e. Big deal. At least it does look like it got some use. It did get the use. Through the winter I attempted to use this every day for that at least one mile, but usually two or three. I didn't run on this, because, well, why run? Walking is low impact and I usually do it every day. It's usually when I go to stores or malls. I park in the very back spot away from ijits that open their car doors without a care and dent my doors. Everybody does it.  Who cares. Cars are cheap now. Let the doors fly! *grumble* You know, I had a cheap Chundai vehicle that I traded in a few years ago. I was so proud that the doors and the body of the car had NO DENTS AT ALL...except one from somebody where I worked, right after I'd bought the car, and well, they were not patient enough to open their door slowly. Unfortunately, I parked out of reach of the security cams. If the alt parking lot wasn't being paved...

100_4351.JPGSo it was a extra clean car that I was proud of. I traded it in. Two days later I went back in my new Hyduki and I saw that someone had dented the door with a big pock while my car was awaiting the old loan to clear. A few days later, I went back and my car was on the used car lot and both dents were GONE! It appears they have advanced body work so that they digitally match the color of the paint and with space age fillers, made it look like it never happened. Only the previous owner could have seen where the repairs were made. I wonder if they will last... My previous hoopty a Nissan Sentra was pre dinged when I got it and after a few years at my job, it was like a Chinese checkers board it had so many dents. Ahhh, but when you have a car you care about, the 500 steps into a building is nothing. However someone ALWAYS parks next to me. At least they should be as careful as me. Sure. Superspot is what I call them. If there is a median with a tree, look for me, walking in 100 degree heat.

100_4357.JPGI remember what my brother said when we picked this up. "It's going to end up as a plant stand like thousands of others." I was out to prove him wrong. Like I said, it was six months or so of intense use, but little loss. Why? I loved me some beer beverage. Look at the underside of this majestic workhorse. It's a two AA battery affair. Yes, I'm sure this is the ruin of many of these machines. You put the batteries in it, use it for a bit, then let it collect dust while your batteries expire and ruin the whole thing. Yes, I took mine out. I moved to a house rather than an apartment and thought I'd be using this every day in my basement work out room. *spits Pabst everywhere* I will say that at least I took the batteries out. OH GOOD FOR YOU!

100_4353.JPG...and there it sits. I tried using it again as my pounds started slowly accruing like an Atari 2600 game of Pac Man. I wrenched my jaw and went "bing bing bing" and munched the square power pill while the ghosts really blinked and blinked and blinked.. I did have to adjust the belt a bit to make sure it works and got some real exercise in, but, well, I could sell this but this piece of junk would mean failure. I did give up the beer beverage for one month last year but um...the Cavaliers were in the excuse..but the truth, I lost 10 pounds on the no beer diet. I've kept it off. Wanna lose more? No beer for you. I placed this shirt over the treadmill to cover it up and well, this post may just energize me again to go and start walking and give up that which keeps "Leon is getting LAAARRRGER" (Skitch. Airplane. Thanks.)  -Ric

P.S. You know, one could say my annoying (Skitch. Thanks.) is nothing more than a baffling part of the "junk blog mythos." (Way too much credit.) No, it really does have a twisted meaning. Want to hear it? Here it go.

I was well schooled in David Letterman's 1986 season of Late Night. Comedian Carol Leifer did a bit with Dave at his desk and said a joke to which Paul Shaffer played a "BOMP" to "punch" it. That made Carole look over at Paul Shaffer and say "Skitch.... Thanks...." David Letterman got a huge laugh out of that. I had no idea what it was, but I thought it was a funny way to reference when someone else helps punch your joke to make it funnier. Turns out, she was referencing Skitch Henderson who was Jack Paar's Tonight Show band leader and was at the beginning of Carson's  career on the show. Hence, why David laughed so hard at something baffling to my pre-internet mind. That is all.

Pabst In Bottles? Yes, they make them...

100_4374.JPGThe hipster beer. Pabst. I would be the furthest thing from being a "hipster". It's your father's beer beverage, or, your grand fathers beer beverage. I don't think it's been that popular since the early 80's when everything got to be about smooth, crisp, refreshing. You know, like, the TV Commercials of the 80's taught ya. Everything you always wanted in a beer. Going for the gusto. Spuds McKenzie got more tail than your average pimple faced "Silver Spoons has a kid with a video game in his living room" teenager. It was the beverage we were told will get you drunk. It was BEER. Gimmie Gimmie Gimmie! I'm under aged.

100_4375.JPGUnder aged indeed. Not much money. You think I'd be happy to down such "swill" long before it became hip to drink Pabst. No, we had one of the newest innovation beers to swill. The one with the "lined can". Keystone had just come to the area and that was the beer of choice. With my friend's fake ID and the fix in at a little quick mart, we had an endless supply of cheap ass beer beverage. We would have bonfires in my friend's back yard and a few months later, we had a guest join us unexpectedly bearing booze.

100_4376.JPGShe had a tray of frozen bourbon slushes. Her husband worked overnight at the Ford plant and she would see us from her back yard seeming to laugh and have fun and whiz in the bushes that seemed to grow oh so huge. We welcomed her as one of the guys and we drank and had good times good times. All the time, Keystone or another beer beverage, Busch. We headed for the mountains. Then they came out with ICE beers and Keystone Ice followed. One bad batch spoiled all the fun. It tasted like Elsinore with mice in it. (Doug and Bob McKenzie. Skitch. Thanks.) We started buying Busch and that's the beer I stuck with for years and years. It's a wonder I have any taste buds left.

100_4377.JPGOur friendship grew with this bearer of bourbon slush and we met her husband who also liked a few beers to drink. My friend invited them to a celebration and that's where I learned that many auto workers drank a funky beer called Pabst. Why? It had flavor. I think this party is where I tried my first "Natty Light". I might have even had one of these "Pabsts". It was awful because it had a odd "not so smooth" flavor. Those were called HOPS and those HOPS made the beer taste a bit BITTER. The "beer of the auto worker" became a thing to me and my future radio things. I however, didn't drink the swill. I drank a smooth alcoholic beverage. Busch. Yum.

100_4378.JPGSince this is a blog about junk, I picked these up at a thrift shop like many things on this blog in my pursuit of finding a good digital camera. They are the key chain bottle openers that you may have to open several bottles of beverage but eventually the name on the key chain wears off and the bottle opener becomes worn out. So, why not buy a bag of 20 for 1.59 because they are for something you wouldn't drink in the bottles because they cost a buck more. We'll get back to that in a moment. I have a few more pics to show while I finish my auto worker beer story...

100_4379.JPGYears later when I started "working" in radio, I developed my "Daniel Pentastar" character as an auto worker for the Toledo Jeep plant on Willys Parkway. I based him very loosely on a co-worker and really funny radio host that I worked with, Jaz McKay.  Daniel says "Yeaaaaahhhh Buddy....!" and talks about his job boltin bumpers at the Jeep plant, driving his modified Lingenfelter  (what G. Gordon Liddy was always speaking of) V10 Ram Truck (which was always in the shop) or bopping around his back yard in his Willys CJ7.  He also talked about his favorite beer Pabst Blue Ribbon because it was the beer of the auto worker.  Of course, my radio life had ended, Louisville became my recovery point, and when I started earning some cake, I discovered all things liquor, and then took a liking to coffee and then my adult tastes took me to a microbrew, The Cumberland Brewery, and that was that. I fell into a world of flavor and the bitter the better was the mantra when drinking beer. Pale Ales, IPAs, Double IPAs, Porters and Stouts became manna from heaven.

Ahhh, but those cost a lot of money. When I was at home, I wanted something cheap to drink in between guzzling the good suds. Hence, I started drinking Pabst because of that little bit of bitter from the hops. That was all. Sure I had other cheapies, but Pabst seemed to be the beverage I would always return too. It was cheap. It's always cheap. But, it's been growing every year since the early 00's and took on the "hipster beer" reputation. I don't care. My preferred type is the 24oz King Can that I get in a 12 pack from Pitt for 13.99. Thanks to Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel's Man Show bringing us  Bill "The Fox" Foster and his chant Ziggy Zocky Ziggy Zocky Hoy Hoy Hoy when he downed a beer... I call the 24oz servings of Pabst "Ziggy Zockys". (Yes I know I'm not spelling in correctly. So what.)

100_4382.JPGEnter the CBS eye. It winks at you. It opens and closes like a camera lens on the ending of Twilight Zone eps they show on MeTV,. Heh. It's a bottle opener forged in the USA by the Sears Craftsman tool company. Likely one of the few tools made in the USA by a failing company. Oh don't worry, Craftsman will be a brand they sell off along with DieHard batteries. They already have DieHard televisions...and K-Mart owns the Curtis Mathes brand... What a bunch of sheis.

100_4380.JPGWell cuz.... I have a ton of Pabst bottle openers now. I never buy Pabst in bottles. I do buy other beers in the bottle and I open said bottles with the mighty Craftsman bottle opener. It's big and heavy and opens bottles like every other bottle opener. It will likely last for years and years, but it's not that portable that you can place it on your key chain like a 94.5 WXKR chain with the worn out lettering and the bottle opener that skips six or seven times before it finally opens your bottle. Eh. Drink at home or drink from a can. There's lots and lots of craft beers in a can these days as they get more popular. Cheaper and more places than glass.

Addams Family. The thinking man's Munsters.  Get the DVD's today at a 'Zon near you. :) -Ric

NEXT DAY UPDATE: I wrote this blog 1/5.  On 1/6 I found out that ideed, Sears is parting with the Craftsman name. They'll still have the crap to sell, but Black and Decker is going *GULP*. Craftsman Dustbusters! YAY!

Christmas Junk #15 - Fake Kanky Canes

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100_3875.JPGI just noticed it. How much would these canes cost if you bought then at a participating TJMaxx along with your leaky coffee maker and slightly irregular sheets with the stitches missing. The green marker has gotten old enough to reveal. Awww, what do I care. These were gifted to me as two sets combined. Half and half. Half Injuns and Half Brownies. Since I don't put candy canes on my tree, these make a good substitution and take up some unadorned branches on the tree. Hence the brand name "Forever". Wow. See, they can last forever, so, they are "Forever". See. Thank you Mr. Obvious.

 100_3879.JPG They look very tasty. I wonder what officially licensed NFL canes taste like? Failure? Misery? Foam? Likely the latter. Yes, as our Cleveland Browns go down with the worst season as long as I've been watching, I still hang these canes with pride as they weigh down each branch in hopes that a victory, any victory, in more than a year, can come to the city of champeens. Minor League Hockey? Check. 2016 NBA CHAMPION CAVALIERS? Check. Yeah, I parrot that a little too much.

100_3880.JPGSee, we had our Injuns go all the way this year. Extra innings in the 7th game of the big show. All that really meant when we lost the big one is that I got some extended listening to Tom Hamilton, who is the best baseball guy ever! Gee, that's just like your baseball play by play guy. Everybody's play by play guy is the best play by play guy to them. Hammy is the best! Come On! Hammy is is nickname. Hammy! He's not Harry Steak or Jerry Fish or Larry Assmuccio...

In Lebron We Trust. I have always been a fan of the Browns. I'm even wearing their sweatshirt as I type this in anticipation of a Saturday loss. Go team! The Injuns I kind of became a fan of when I could at least hear every game, so I'm a late comer. 2002 or so. When we were jamming in the mid 90's, I was all about building a radio thing so blah blah blah. So, I got Injuns and Browns candy canes to hang on the tree. Which one do you think is going to keep being champeens? Come on CAVS, you can make it happen!

DISCLAIMER: If you're from somewhere else, you don't care. There's a whole lot more junk to see here in past posts. Just had to do a little home team Christmas blah blah blah. Merry Christmas to all and to all GOOD BOOZE! (Skitch! Mike O' Meara Podcast! Thanks.)


Christmas Junk #14 POOH! (You dealt it....)

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100_3910.JPGMr. Fat Hanz is holding a 2003 addition to the junk on my Christmas tree. Is it one of those fancy micro mini porn books you find next to the tacky little pamphlets in yo daddy's bottom drawer? I could only wish it was a Frank Zappa induced item. No, it's a blue balloon held by a certain cartoon character that I didn't find much enjoyment in my childhood because the evil Dipsney company only wheeled him out on their Sunday show and only every now and then.

100_3911.JPGIt's him. The little bear who will remain nameless. I do remember singing the theme song when I was a kid and added "P.U." Hahahahahahah. See, he's POOH and that sounds like he's named after the fudge that comes from your tuckus.  HAHAHAHA. It was what we did when we were kids.  We built tree forts out of remainder items found in the trash from someone's kitchen remodel. We rode the tires off our bikes or burned holes in our big wheels so they still rolled but went "fwop fwop fwop" where the plastic had worn out. I wish I had more to say on this one, but I'd rather discuss Eyore, the constantly depressed donkey. That was a more appealing character to me. Of course, there is Tigger. Frankly, Bugs Bunny was my comedy cartoon when growing up...that and the pig who was the army sergeant on the second season of the Laverne and Shirley cartoon. You know, where they got imitators to do the voices? "Geee SHOIL..." 

100_3912.JPGSo, this is a festive Christmas ornament? The cartoon logic of the text in this is, well... He is a "stuffed" bear, so he must not have any weight. The mini figurine is nice, so I always have this on my tree open so you can see it. A man built this! It's a decoration! The best thing about this? You can't really tell those are bees going after him in the picture so it appears the bear is having a bit of digestive trouble and he's shatting about the place. No, wait, he was POOH-Ing! HAHAHA! Eh...  MERRY CHRISTMAS!  Junk Blog. -Ric

Christmas Junk 13th Floor Vending

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100_3815.JPG13th Floor Elevators. 13Th Floor Vending Machine. 13th entry in the Christmas junk series. We're in the quickening. When Highlander 2: The Quickening came out, it was Siskel and Eberts' worst movies and also made their top 10 worst films for the year. Maybe the "quickening" was a buzz word for all about 5 minutes in the 80's. It made it into a lyric of a Grateful Dead song. I believe it was Gene Siskel that was laughing really hard about the title of the movie. He just found it so amusing. As a writer and a critic, he probably felt like it was nonsense or gibberish. It was like Ally G interviewing Andy Rooney...that racialist. So, what the hell is this? Is it for the quickening?

100_3817.JPGWhat's this? A doggy? Surprise! We'll get to the beer cans later. Right now we gotta talk about this bit of cute. Look at how that bread tie is tied around in such a way that makes this decoration hang up on the tree. What we have here is a dog of no fixed hairstyle. His tail is on a spring so it wags. He's got a red collar. His tongue is happily out of his mush. What can he be happy about? Is he going to get on with The Quickening? *dun dunnn*

100_3814.JPGThere's a little doggy symbol at the top. There's also a bit of dust. Do you suppose the dust came from THE QUICKENING??  Nahhhh. This came from a Hallmark Christmas Ornaments display at a participating Kohls.  If I were a dog, I'd be excited about finding this magical machine right smack dab in the QUICKENING! Of course, I would seemed to have lost my pockets! (Skitch. Loose Shoes. Thanks.)

100_3812.JPGTadaaahhhh. This is another piece of crap that I also bought a duplicate of for Boomer. He loves this crap, but the previous post already talked about that. What's wrong with liking "Doggie Delites" In a Vend-Dog-Matic. This is another Christmas ornament that resides next to the Dr. Duck can.  A bone. A tennis ball. A slipper. A disc from the episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where everybody gets hooked on an alien game that is really a mind control device and Wesley Crusher saves the day. Time warp. Quickening. A rolled up newspaper. A cuddly wuddy teddy bear shat out by Radar O' Riley. The picture obscures the doggie treats and the hot dog. Then you see the tug toy. Oh yeah, Paul Lynde is in the center square! "Oh these doggie treats, they are terrible with human teeth. A little grainy, but wonderful in a martini." No, maybe it's Bruce Valanche on the Whoopiwood Squares. " I love writing lame jokes for awards shows and I love to eat lots of bones. I like Milkbones too! Ha! I'm the second coming of William Gaines!"

Wow. Now I'm reaching. Isn't this KEYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTE? -Ric

Christmas Junk #12 That's Singing???

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100_3802.JPGCarolling carolling now we go, wrapped in a zip tie on a flat bed covered in glitter and beige pillow-y crap. My song book will be written in the proper Queen's English in dog speak so I can understand it. Woof! Woof! Bark. Pawprint. I'm wearing a scarf too! Perfect to clean any vomit from being pulled on this wood deal. Ain't I the cutest piece of crap you every saw?

100_3804.JPGTruth be told, and why shouldn't I share the truth? Hey, let me tell a lie! I was ***of legal age***  years old and found this in my back yard and when I picked it up, I found a doorway to another dimension where all the people were pets and the pets were people but there was a mix of both like in Bojack Horseman. I quickly befriended a golden retriever named "Mr. Joint" and he showed me the reefer way through reefer land and I met his friends "Stoney Stone Cat" and "Mr. Owl." The first thing I asked Mr. Owl was how many licks would it take to get to the Cannabis in my marijuana pop? He took it from me, and gave a few licks while saying  "One, TwoWHOOOOOOOOO, Three" Then he chomped the whole thing in his mouth and handed me the empty stick and smugly said "Three!"  Stoney Stone Cat then attacked and ate him. He smiled while wiping the blood from his muzzle and said "I'm still a cat...couldn't help it." 

100_3803.JPGI know, stupid right? I should know my audience for this junk blog better than that. We tend to have all ages and stoners and animal lovers and peeps who may remember obscure references to an all time classic commercial. What the hell is with this decoration and why do you care? Well, it is a cute little piece of crap right? So cute, this is one of the decorations that I keep out all year. Who wouldn't want some extra figurines broken from some Christmas figurine set? Let me splain what's doin' ova dey...

100_3806.JPGLong ago, I visited a friend near Christmas time, and we went to Bowling Green, Ohio to see another of Ohio's many dying small town malls and go to Finders records. We walked the "downtown" part of Bowling Green and decided to go into a crap store. (You know, one that had a bunch of crap in the window, including seasonal crap like this!) Lots of the crap in this store was high priced figurines and other crap and I believe Beanie Babies were still a hot collectors turd. I worked my way to the back of the store for "clearance" crap. On the table, they had two of these adorable pieces of crap and they were pretty cheap compared to all the other crap, so I bought them both. I knew Boomer would like crap like this. I don't think my friend bought any crap at the crap store. He likes rodentia and sensimilla, not canids. You figure it out. 

100_3805.JPGI even looked this up on the web to see what kind of crap it was. It was tough because I didn't know what Christmas village set of crap this came from. I found it, but don't ask because I don't remember. However, they went to good homes. The zip ties on this are so I can hang it on my Christmas tree. There really isn't anywhere to put it up on the tree without. The "tow" rope with a "bone" just wouldn't do it. Yeah, I'm a softy when it comes to orphan crap like this and it sits year round on the shelf above my computer monitor next to the ALCO cans of pop. You know? Blizz Cola? Dr. Duck? Squirz orange, grape and lemon lime sodas?  Yes, I know they were likely Shasta re-branded for ALCO discount stores. All gone now. Maybe those should go on the tree as well. Hmmmmmmmmm.


100_3873.JPGI pretty much took pics of ALL of my various Christmas junk. So, here are a few without much of a story just to show three sets of pictures. Hey, why not have a stocking for your pet?  Do I have a pet? No. Do I want a pet? Not really. Do I want to have a paw print stocking that I got from a dollar store to put out and not fill with anything, but have it be a barky Christmas? That's MONEY.

100_3874.JPGI just included this picture because it's actually hanging up. Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, but there was a f-ing paw pad stocking hung from the cheap video/audio shelving units with very little care. Hopes that St. Nick soon will do that voodoo that he do and fill my stocking with CA$H...or a squeak toy and some milk bones.


Aha! Maybe I got the stocking for this decoration! My tree has a few themes. Broke ass. Crappy retail work. Low end beer. Free key chains... and DOGS! I was in my Super K-Mart for Christmas a few years back and I found this hanging from a chip clip. (Hanging device to fill every inch of available space in a store.)  Wow. It was big and they had a few so I had to have one. It was only once a year I went to Super K-Mart for last minute Christmas ideas, and I'd always end up with something. It was a Super K-Mart that was one of the very first stores around Cleveland to be 24/7. Zayre had long since gone under and even so, they were only 24/7 at Christmas. When I was younger, I even made fun of this K-Mart as the suburb it was near was of a "certain ethnic" nature. (Skitch. Big Chuck and Lil' John.) They moved the whole shee-bang to a bigger store and was really popular until a few years ago when they started shrivelling away. This had to be the last time I was inside the joint. I don't like going to any "going out of business, nothing held back" sales. There are no deals to be had until 90% off dented cans of TREET or demo mini refrigerators used in the sporting goods department to hold fishing worms. I think this makes a great decoration rather than using it for what it was meant for...

100_3949.JPGYeah. A pot scrubber. Could you scrub your pots with this pup? Rub his nose in your burnt eggs? Maybe if you had the pots advertised by the old chick from Poltergeist that thinks good eating is dumping uncooked crap in a pan, layering it with gravy and shoving it in the oven. I know, I'm being harsh. You know with separate S&H you can get a second pan free? To quote Adam Carolla... "SsssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhOCKING."

100_3867.JPGMr. Fat Hanz is showing another piece of Christmas debris I've collected. It's way too big for a tree decoration. It's meant for your door. We did sled a bit when we were younger, down the minor grade hill of my elementary school. My brother even had a sled, but most of the time, we took cardboard boxes and smeared them with candles and that was supposed to work great. It didn't. We built some great snow forts and when my brother didn't crash the top in after we did all the work, you'd most likely find dog crap in it the next day. We didn't have something for a door for our snow forts. This sled would be a wonderful addition to a snow fort door, which we didn't have.

100_3868.JPGGet the wax! It helps the sleigh. Nah, we'll put a wire on it and we'll put it on our door. Yes, this was a gift given to me that I pull out every year, hang on the front door on the inside and always have to dodge when I get my mail. Reminders of the wonderful Christmas season.  I could hang it from my toilet! Festive Christmas toilet! I'm sure peeps decorate their toilets all the time! Thinking about Santa while dooting another yule log?  Hmmmmm.