"Santa?" "Yes?" "Can I smell the brim of your hat?" "Why?" "Because I want to smell the North Pole, and nothing can smell more of the North Pole than Santa's hat." "But, I haven't washed it for a few years. It mats the batting." "WTF are you talking about Santa? Just use the perma press cycle on you're washer and it will smell Downey fresh." "Ho Ho Ho my child, I have a rock on rock Whirlpool purchased from a disinterested puke at Northeast appliance during a black Friday $10 blender sale. It has no perma press cycle." "Santa? Why don't you have that piece of woman Mrs. Claus wash that in Woolite for you?" "Bah, we're fighting. Something about the reindeer and a battery powered device." "Okay Santa. Can I make soup from your hat a little later?" "We'll see, we'll see."

Santa's cap. Generic. Dollar store. However, you put yourself instantly in the Christmas spirit at your parties and shopping needs. There is something about wearing one when you go shopping. Like saying to the world "Yes, I suck." Awww, can't say that. I think it's more that I'm simpatico with the retail employees who would rather be anywhere else. Occasionally I find a cashier that has cheer during the season, and those folks, I appreciate. You can chose to be miserable to everybody or you can give a little cheer to someone who appears to be miserable like everybody else at this time of year. It's free to smile and be nice. Too few do it.

So, there I am, smiling. In a long line at a mall. In a long line at a Wally. In a long line in hell. I'm wearing this cheap ass Santa hat. Making people smile because they see that I'm wearing this dumb ass cheap hat. If I think that, why do I wear the hat? In cold weather, it keeps my head warm. It doesn't matter that the past few years when I do my Christmas shopping, it's been 50 degrees. Hence the remarks about smelling the brim of Santa's hat. Makes my head all matted and sweaty.

Then, a few years back, I bought this one. It was less than $5 and it was even more fuzzy and more deluxe in the Santa hat category. The basic hat chimney is there. The puff ball on the top is there. It's more of a shiny coat of cheap red fabric, so I was styling for the Santa hats. ARE WE REALLY DOING A BLOG ON SANTA HATS??  https://en.wordpress.com/tag/santa-hat/  YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING! (I'm not alone in the madness. Though, it's just a compilation of tags over at the Wordpress. Moveable Type was a Boomer The Dog approved software for blogging. So, we're powered by Pabst...and Moveable.)

Here is the merry secret. The business end of the new modern Santa hat.  Seriously. A Santa hat with a baseball cap style adjustment . HERETIC! You should be BURNED. What sort of nonsense is this? Santa hats should be the cheapest thing that fits whatever way it fits on your sweaty head while buying a mass popcorn tin of stale popcorn from a participating Wally. HOW DARE YOU have a small bit of comfort in your day? HOW DARE YOU vent the back of your head just a tiny bit while WE all suffer in sweaty pain?

Finally, when the hats are in storage for the year, the oldest one protects this prized possession. One hat resides in my button box with this prize wrapped inside, a Sandra Boynton animule. I looked up the artist, and she does stuff. I don't know. I saw her stuff a lot in the 80's as just being fuzzy and jaunty but didn't care about it. She does stuff. Meanwhile, this button was given to me by my sister in law at one Christmas where if I spent $100 total on family gifts, I had to get a second loan on the Monza to afford anything. Into my button box it went until about 1996 where I got a computer and the internet and found out that I WAS NOT ALONE!  Therefore, this button has came out every year since and is worn like a radio station tee shirt to let everyone know how much of a douche I can be.  Christmas Junk. -Ric