It's "weedly weedly wee" time. Feeling like a guitar hero but you can't afford the $30 for a used First Act axe? Don't have the coin for a synthogeetar so you can play those fancy notes on? You can buy this sawed off noisemaker.  Well, you can't really. This was a closeout deal. I bought two of these babies for half the price it would have cost for one. How does it do? Was I playing Stairway? Did I "Walk This Way"? Have I ever been experienced? Perhaps, you might not care about my musical history. Next slide please.

I found the band Spirit when Boomer The Dog and I were getting into vinyl records.  I never knew that a few months later I'd own everything from Spirit and Randy California. At the time, we were buying vinyl to play cuts on our radio show and seeing what was good or bad from the worlds of 70's and 80's wax. It started when I became a huge fan of "Mom's Apple Pie". They were a band from Youngstown and they were on "Brown Bag Records". It's a really long story, but their record was featured on SNL as one of the worst covers. It was a granny holding a drippy pie, only it was missing a slice. That slice revealed what looked to be a hoo hoo. It was the record company's owner's idea. Create controversy and then reissue a "censored" version of the cover. (You can see the cover with a simple web search if your interested.)  It didn't matter that the music was pretty damn good horn based rock and roll. The record fell on it's face.  It didn't matter that one of the songs was "I Just Wanna Make Love To You" done with horns and thundering band behind.  It should have been a huge hit. Ooops, A scant 4 months after the release, Foghat had their huge hit with it. All other versions, even the original seemed like covers of Foghat.

So, Boomer had the vinyl and used to play it on his radio broadcasts and shortwave stuff. He played another cover from Mom's Apple Pie's first album, a cover of Spirit's "Mr. Skin." Somewhere in the distant past, my memories said I liked that song. I think they used to play it when they showed reruns of Kojak. Makes sense because that song was written for Ed Cassidy, the bald drummer of Spirit. So, Boomer got me the original.

From there, only a mild interest in what Spirit did, and even a purchase of their album "12 Dreams Of Dr. Sardonicus." Still, it was not igniting the flames of Randy/Spirit worship. Until we got a copy of the post original line up of Spirit's album "Farther Along". This was a reunion of sorts, 4 out of 5 original members playing a very short album of mostly Randy penned tracks. There was something there...I listened to the album over and over then I wanted more. A few months later I had 'em all, right down to the obscure movie Spirit did the soundtrack too and appeared in. It had a famous director and should have been a major hit? It's available on DVD, and is called  "Model Shop". It's only for big Spirit fans really. It's a movie dealing with despair of going to NAM. Loosely. Really loosely. It's mostly about driving around California in the late 60's. That's it. Really thin.  Randy looked like he was stoned the whole time. "Look Ma, I'm in a MOVIE!"

So, I was really into what Randy California was playing. I thought to myself, gee, self, why not learn to play the gee-tar. You can be like Randy in no time! There's a lot of YouToobs saying "You Can Do It!" Yeah, that's it. I'll learn how to play the Gee-Tar. It's only an hour a day practice. I can do that right? So, when Boomer and I went to the sMall... (Ft. Steuben Mall, we go there every year for a New Year's tradition.) I bought a $100 Gee-Tar kit. It had a teeny amp and everything else I needed. I was off. Boomer followed suit and bought one a few days later. We were going to be in a hot rockin doggie band. Ohy.

Long story even longer, neither of us really did much. I bought lots of junk. Books, amps, strings, picks, you name it. Now, it collects dust. Just like the above worthless toy. Look at how 90's those letters are put on the handle of this thing. Hey call Mr. Bentley the painter guy from Sesame Street! (Another reference you can find on your own.)  It looks like maybe you could at least "sound" like you're playing guitar. That was true with almost every First Act product made. They were starter axes. Kid stuff. Heck, they gave them out free when you bought a VW one year. (I own two First Acts and am surprised at how good they are for how little coin they cost.)

So, they came out with this "toy" plastic synth-o axe for the kiddies that wanted to play guitar because they wanted to be the next Ven Heflin or hmmm...dude from Coldplay or... um... (enter trendy rock band name here.) The degree of suck is turned up to 11 with this one.

The back is where the batteries go. Three AAA batteries that last about 15 minutes. Plus that f-in screw to change the batteries. You know, you're not helping. Most parents take it off and lose it. Just like you did with your Mattel Football game. No, the screw is to remind you of how helpless you are to forget you have cheap dollar store batteries installed that leak a few months later and you throw this hideous piece of plastic in the dumper where it belongs. Hey! It has fake rubberized tuning keys. It has two buttons on the back where you can vary the sound. This thing is decked out for sound RIGHT?

AUDIO IN? REALLY? REALLY? Oh, for your back up band's recording so you can rock out through the paper thin 1/2 inch speaker. Great sound. I'm a PROSE now. It has guitar samples that you can select from the switch for that hot rockin' feeling.

SOLO: What you'll be doing if you ever show up anywhere with this toy and think you're rockin' out. Better take up kazoo.

CLEAN: This is a toy after all. You can rub the keys on any dusty surface and pick up some dust while making no music with this POS. Yeah, I'm sure there are hundreds of YewToobs out there of peeps making beautiful music with this catastrophe. Hey, there's entire clubs of film makers who like the grainy, blocky Fisher Price PXL2000 movie camera. Hey, there was a band called Pianosaurus that played music on toys. Why should I be so rough on this dreck? I know, I'm just jealous that I never really got into this or ANY guitar despite the gear investment.

ROCK: That's what we came to do. ROCK. Smash this damn crap with a ROCK. Yeah!  *lights lighter*

Here is the ultimate reason why this is a Lisa SUCKTOOL. Because you gotta be a hot rockin GEE TAR player by pretending to "strum" strings with this little infrared pick while you hold the GEE TAR in your other hand and press down on the chord you want to hear. Got that? Simple right? Um, the pick has to be just exactly perfect and the toy has to be just exactly perfect and you have to push red button each time you make that magical pass to get it to fire off a chord. Simple, right? RIGHT? Even a child can operate this crap right??? Take the cheapest possible sensors, stick them in the cheapest possible toy and make it the hardest thing to get "music" out of. Oh yeah, you could "strum" like mad sometimes and hear no sound because you need to press the button just exactly perfect. Bob Weir was pushed. Needless to say MINUTES of frustration were spent on this before I decided to use the AAA batteries for a remote control or something.

Mr. FatHanz showing that when it's dry, he should apply hand cream. Hold it just so. There's a handy "strap" to do so. Then start waving your "pick" and see what you get. It's not a silver KISS strap like on your real GEETAR, it's a big rubber band. It helps you when you try to throw this sad attempt at something that will crush any kid's dreams of guitar stardom. Sorry kid, you'll be lucky to play rhythm guitar in a band of stoners that play blues and have a biker dude as a lead singer and a mop top glasses geek playing the bass and a furry freak brother with half a finger as a lead "weedly weedly wee" man. Hmmmmm.

There. Found a great suggested use for it. Maybe a back scratcher?  Maybe a spatula for wayward cold hambugers? Hmmmm. Kwality has a name. First Acht-Tung.

-Ric