"What's the secret code to open the lock?" "Who knows, but there are only 999 possibilities on each tumbler, so get tumbling." "Couldn't we just break the cheap fiberboard skin of this damn case and see what exciting and top secret crap he's got in this case?" "No, that would be cheating, and then he'd know we were in this top secret high security case." "It's probably something uninteresting anyway, like the Col"s secret or McD's proprietary blue bin juice or maybe the nuke codes."

Briefcase. I used to carry one. Got it from Mom for Christmas. I was a real pro carrying this real leather case into electronics stores to go to work at close to minimum wage. I had this thing with me everywhere. It was my MURSE.   All my writing materials were in here. It doubled as a spot I could fit my fat ass and use as a seat. The Briefcase. The End. Junk Blog -Ric

Oh. That old Junk Blog exit plan again. Try to escape with the easy out, but there's more pictures to show and pay tribute to this uninteresting but wonderful real leather smelling piece of crap. Yes, there's one thing to be said about the leather this was wrapped with, it still smelled of leather even after sitting in my attic or storage cabinet for 20 years.

So I'm guessing Mom wanted me to be a lawyer, so she thought if she bought me a briefcase, I would be inspired to fill it with briefs. No, no. I filled it with uninteresting writings and a mini shrine to Jerry Lewis.  Geeze, will you look how there was a oversized screw to hold the handle in? Plus, the dials on the lock mechanism were so fudged, it would have been impossible to try and dial in the combination, so a little prying with a screw driver got me into this "time capsule."

"Now we have access to Ric Cornpones secret briefcase vault, let's see what is doin' in here..." "Ha! You lose Geraldo! There ain't nuffin in there, but MMMM the wonderful smell of FART leather and dried masking tape." "No! No! There's so much more! You can feel the spirit of broken dreams and 99 cent SNAPPS cheeseburgers. Plus I believe there is a little essence of burning conveyor belt, Maalox, chippie dippies, 2.00 videotape,  Frank sweat, CB38 and p*ss trough..." "Wow, that Ric Cornpone lived a Parma life didn't he?" "Where's juvy?"

This is part of the reason why this was retired, but only partially true. It had become a mess. The outside LOOK of the case was still fine, but besides losing a handle pin, years of fat ass sitting on this had separated the bottom of the case. What? Use glue to fix it? You were into model air planes when you were really young, why not run a bead of plane glue across it and hit it with the Zip Kicker (TM)? Nope. Use masking tape. Everything was masking tape for those few years. I used to make cheap costumes out of masking tape. Never mind that it dries out pretty quick and leaves a mess when you take it off. The tape that is.

"Dude, we tried to gimmick the system, but we could have gotten access through the hole in the fuselage!" "Can we stop now, this is silly. Retire this POS, it's done.""NO! We make fix! Not Fubar!" "What are you SONY trying to fix a STRAV-970 receiver for the fourth time?""Man the references just keep getting deeper and deeper. The writer of this blog must want us to go anywhere else until this blathering is over.""Hey, you know, if we hit that counter just right with a roll of tape, we can knock the personal tape cassette stereos off, and keep score who gets the most hits.""Okay, let's do it. No customers and only Peoples Court to watch...."

Yes, this happened from fat ass damage. You can't sit on these. Eventually they will give in and then get more damaged each time you open them. Duh. Indeed I used this case a lot. When it started to age I added stickers to the inside. I used to carry my "Browns" collars locked away in here. (Gee, that's right, we're the DAWGS right?) Finally, I was given a new soft sided "Secret" briefcase by the station I worked for. (We all got one as a Merry Christmas bonus. Har Har Har.) I resisted using it. But, when the damage above got too severe to Mr. Briefcase...

So, the end time stickers. The first was for an industrial band called "Front 242". I was only a fan in passing, preferring the Ministry band of merry heroin consumers. I believe "Front By Front" is the only album I own by them as well as a few singles. I couldn't get a groove on with them. The sticker came free either from Maximum Compact or WBWC, and I put it here rather than sequestering it in my "pain" archives.

The "Mask" sticker, I have no idea where that came from. I'm guessing from a give away pile at a video store. Maybe Citrus Methoski? I  didn't see any of the early Jim Carrey films, no Pet Detective and no "The Mask". I believe the first movie I saw in the theater with Jim Carrey was "The Truman Show", which was a good flick and "Man On The Moon" which was an even better performance. So, sticker off it's backing, and on to the briefcase. No big whoop.

In 1994, I bought a Saturn SL. It was their base model. It did come with window cranks. Suddenly I was part of a "USA Pride" club. I hadn't owned a foreign car yet, and now I had a new small car that stood up to Toyota and Honda and Nissan and said "Look, we're still  not as good as you, but we're working on it...and we don't RUST." I loved mine. No air conditioning and stick. It was NEW. It didn't feel like the proletariat tractor that my Dodge Omni was.  Best feature was the plastic body panels. My car could look old, but look old without a speck of rust. YAY! I got the pin with the car. So, the pin became a permanent part of my briefcase, and suffered as much damage as my car did, but it still showed Saturn pride. Never mind that after a few years, they couldn't compete, introduced cheap cars based on Opels and then turned the namesake small car into the ION with the speedometer in the center. Good bye Saturn.

Of course, I retrieved the pin before I trashed this case and decided to tell it's tale on this blog. I have been keeping it for so many years when it was taking up space in my attic, and wasn't really the type of junk worthy of keeping for some obscure reason. Somewhere in a landfill, Jim Carrey is "Ssssmoookin".

-Ric