Self: "Self? I think I need to get a treadmill."

Inner Self: "You just need to diet fat ass. Stop drinking beer beverage. "

Self: "Give up BEER? No No Devo!"

Inner Self: "Well then, why not exercise more than sitting your doompas in front of a monitor."

Self: "I could... It's winter so walking isn't the best unless I join the mall walkers club at a participating dead mall..."

Inner Self: "Gosh, you are a fat blubber whale of a fatbody Private Pyle."

Self: "I know! I'll get a treadmill. I know I'll use it more than 20 times until setting it in the corner of the basement to collect dust. "

Inner Self: "In 10 years or so, it will make a great junk blog post. Go fourth and mortgage that 24 pack!"

A man built this! It's a treadmill! I went to the local SEARS (yes, Sears, because Dicks Sporting Goods was $2746 more and Wally had an even cheaper treadmill that seemed like it would be adequate, but not, at least, lasting.)  So, my brother and I went and picked up this sucker and I set it up in a portion of my apartment and I was off to the races. *stumble* *fall* *crashes into a mirror* *breaks a shelf* *hurts foot* *hurts wrist* Maybe I should have been wearing a bicycle helmet while I was striding to no place on this fine machine.  You see, I had lost a LOT of weight, and the key to it was diet, exercise, and giving up beer beverage. I was dry for a hundred days or so and walked about 2 miles. Every day. But, with every diet, there comes the slow pace of gaining everything back. I wasn't horrible, but I'd gained 20 back and it was nearing winter, so what a solution. Join a gym or bring the gym home.  It was a compact unit and I would wheel it out in front of my TV and walk three miles a day.

Weslo brand. Cadence 70e. Big deal. At least it does look like it got some use. It did get the use. Through the winter I attempted to use this every day for that at least one mile, but usually two or three. I didn't run on this, because, well, why run? Walking is low impact and I usually do it every day. It's usually when I go to stores or malls. I park in the very back spot away from ijits that open their car doors without a care and dent my doors. Everybody does it.  Who cares. Cars are cheap now. Let the doors fly! *grumble* You know, I had a cheap Chundai vehicle that I traded in a few years ago. I was so proud that the doors and the body of the car had NO DENTS AT ALL...except one from somebody where I worked, right after I'd bought the car, and well, they were not patient enough to open their door slowly. Unfortunately, I parked out of reach of the security cams. If the alt parking lot wasn't being paved...

So it was a extra clean car that I was proud of. I traded it in. Two days later I went back in my new Hyduki and I saw that someone had dented the door with a big pock while my car was awaiting the old loan to clear. A few days later, I went back and my car was on the used car lot and both dents were GONE! It appears they have advanced body work so that they digitally match the color of the paint and with space age fillers, made it look like it never happened. Only the previous owner could have seen where the repairs were made. I wonder if they will last... My previous hoopty a Nissan Sentra was pre dinged when I got it and after a few years at my job, it was like a Chinese checkers board it had so many dents. Ahhh, but when you have a car you care about, the 500 steps into a building is nothing. However someone ALWAYS parks next to me. At least they should be as careful as me. Sure. Superspot is what I call them. If there is a median with a tree, look for me, walking in 100 degree heat.

I remember what my brother said when we picked this up. "It's going to end up as a plant stand like thousands of others." I was out to prove him wrong. Like I said, it was six months or so of intense use, but little loss. Why? I loved me some beer beverage. Look at the underside of this majestic workhorse. It's a two AA battery affair. Yes, I'm sure this is the ruin of many of these machines. You put the batteries in it, use it for a bit, then let it collect dust while your batteries expire and ruin the whole thing. Yes, I took mine out. I moved to a house rather than an apartment and thought I'd be using this every day in my basement work out room. *spits Pabst everywhere* I will say that at least I took the batteries out. OH GOOD FOR YOU!

...and there it sits. I tried using it again as my pounds started slowly accruing like an Atari 2600 game of Pac Man. I wrenched my jaw and went "bing bing bing" and munched the square power pill while the ghosts really blinked and blinked and blinked.. I did have to adjust the belt a bit to make sure it works and got some real exercise in, but, well, I could sell this but this piece of junk would mean failure. I did give up the beer beverage for one month last year but um...the Cavaliers were in the finals...um...lame excuse..but the truth, I lost 10 pounds on the no beer diet. I've kept it off. Wanna lose more? No beer for you. I placed this shirt over the treadmill to cover it up and well, this post may just energize me again to go and start walking and give up that which keeps "Leon is getting LAAARRRGER" (Skitch. Airplane. Thanks.)  -Ric

P.S. You know, one could say my annoying (Skitch. Thanks.) is nothing more than a baffling part of the "junk blog mythos." (Way too much credit.) No, it really does have a twisted meaning. Want to hear it? Here it go.

I was well schooled in David Letterman's 1986 season of Late Night. Comedian Carol Leifer did a bit with Dave at his desk and said a joke to which Paul Shaffer played a "BOMP" to "punch" it. That made Carole look over at Paul Shaffer and say "Skitch.... Thanks...." David Letterman got a huge laugh out of that. I had no idea what it was, but I thought it was a funny way to reference when someone else helps punch your joke to make it funnier. Turns out, she was referencing Skitch Henderson who was Jack Paar's Tonight Show band leader and was at the beginning of Carson's  career on the show. Hence, why David laughed so hard at something baffling to my pre-internet mind. That is all.