Results tagged “Parma”

Paper Caper

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100_4199.JPGDoes anybody still read Archie comics? Are they still making NEW Archie comics or are they reprinting the old ones in another "digest". Last time I saw they were still making Archie comics I was at a Borders superstore and it was a mini magazine in a giant stack of magazine debris on a table in their "Seattle's Best" coffee shop. I never understood why they allowed that to happen. It wasn't a library. They expected you to BUY what you are reading and getting stained with your double latte mocha fappisneezeass chimo and getting crumbs with your nutcheese danish, No, most Borders had stacks of books and magazines laying there as if nobody cared. Hmmm. Maybe part of the reason why they don't exist anymore?

So, If you read any Archie digest in the past few years, they would always name the short jokey features with some quick rhyming title. "Hooker Looker" or "Incontinence Matt Cat" or "Antidisestablishmentarianism Jizzm" . It was all fun to see what that wacky Jughead was up too. Yeah, I know, there was Hot Dog. Yes I know he had his own comic book series that I bought when his magic house turned Archie into a dog. Yes, I know I was a sucker for such shenanigans. Meanwhile, what the hell is this?

100_4200.JPGOH! Toilet Paper! It looks like the stuff you get at turnpike rest stops and gas stations and stadiums. Cheap, does what it's intended for, and you can clog a toilet with it with one mighty beefsteak. Nah. Why would they need to run ink at the end of the roll to let you know your roll is almost out? In most public rest rooms, to pardon the pun, you were S*IT OUT OF LUCK if you ran out during a particularly messy Taco Bell visit. You scrounged around for the sports page or better yet, used the sink as a bidet. I never did that. Really.

So here was the paper I had just mentioned in my last blog. It was printer plotter paper for Radio Shack's CGP-115 Printer Plotter. It used the exact same size of paper that Atari released for their computers. It was a little printer that actually DREW each word out with tiny little pens. If you wanted to print a "document", it would take forever... I'd imagine these were used as point of sale printers as that seems like all they were good for. Yes, you could make doodles and other crap, and I'd imagine now, with backwards technology, somebody somewhere has a way to make these print pictures. Wanna look? Alls I found was it's the Atari 1020 and it looks like it prints out a fancy Spirograph. It was more fun with a ballpoint pen and those plastic gear rings that somehow all got lost like Lite Brite pegs. Wow. Dating myself. Moving on.

100_4197.JPGWow! Value priced! It doesn't seem like much but to someone who was famous for "dime's worth of gas up his ass"  when I was working for 3.35 an hour and couldn't take one of my co-workers home in a snow storm because I didn't have the gas money...it was a lot. Yes, I know. You've got to be kidding right? Well, my Monza got about 25 miles to the gallon....but I was rich enough to do doughnuts in the parking lot the next morning on a snow covered lot... The sins of the past. 4.95 for a box of paper? Yes, this was an investment for me.  I had to miss a late night salad or decadence dessert at a participating Dennys or two boxes of Mister Doughnut doughnut holes which could be left in a frozen Cleveland winter's Monza back seat and taste OH SO GOOD with all that FROSTING! I think this was just before I got the CD habit and started wasting my ka$h on the "Boing Boom Tschak"

100_4198.JPG  I was a HIPSTER even at 16 years old man. Hey man, I was like COOL man. Driving around in a "little brown nugget" with no tailpipe and lots of McD's wrappers in the back seat and aforementioned Mister Doughnut hole boxes. I was "one cool dood."  Mr. Fat Hanz is showing some of Mr. Gross Arm Hair to get all you female viewers hot and disgusted.  Since I had bought these, I just set them on my desk because the box was heavy. So, I made it into a "The Writer Is IN" or "The Writer Is Out" or "The Writer Is Away" or "The Writer is giving himself way too much credit for calling himself a writer and he's really a dumbass for putting a sign like this up because nobody but himself will see it. " Yeah, the stuff we did before the internet. In a few days it will be my 20th year on the net. "Mommas don't let your babies grow up using smartphones..." Oh, too late. It's funny that I still have these and the sign is still in tact. Like I'd ever get through all this paper? Like there was a market for a time for worthless accessory printer plotters? Like, really man. *cues TRUCKIN and packs a SHHHH Check it!*

100_4447.jpgAnd in the grand tradition of this junk blog, aiming to talk about one thing but digressing into another, here's the "Writer Biter" or "Blogger Vagina" or "Alternative Taco Bell Paper" I talked about. Yes, one of the many Archie comics spin offs, the short lived "Jughead's Pal Hot Dog". Imagine a nard like me going into "Collectors Warehouse and Poster Pit" at the corner of Ridge and Pearl in PARMA looking for the latest "Married With Children" issue and stumbling across this in the comic book stand.  OMIGOSH! Became part of the lexicon! The weird ray turned Arch and Reggie into pooches that looked like their human counterparts! Wow. They also grew collars! Amazing that ray!  A dog with a Reggie pompadour! Meanwhile DOGS into HUMANS! Mysteriously Hot Dog's friend didn't change with his collar. Does anybody care? Hot Dog has albino hair. See, the "RAY" made it happen so Archie and Reggie would be legal and that the DOGS see, knew how to speak the queens English! OMIGOSH! Add a few more pounds and a few more years and the human Hot Dog bears a sticking resemblance to.... SHHHHHH! *check it* (Thanks Beastie Boys.)  

100_4445.jpg GET SOME!!!!!!!!

......yah. 

 

100_4444.jpgJust like Columbo, "Just One More Thing Sir..." I'm sure if you're interested in seeing this exciting comic book for yourself, you can go to a collectors blah blah blah and blah blah. "Hart Doug. Er.. Doug Hartley" Gee, maybe if I wore a collar I'd have Betty come over and introduce herself to me and think I'm the cute bashful tongue tied type. Not a chance. Ahhh, the simplicity of Riverdale.  If you read comics, no doubt you wanted to draw them so you sent in your drawing to one of these mail order schools. This was in comic books for years. They also had pamphlets they gave away in supermarkets. I never hoped to draw "Cubby." I did however get "Tipsy" many times in my youth. Hey! I wonder if the Pirate was an inspiration for Johnny Depp? It looks like his nasal passage could hold many doubloons. No, I didn't have any hope of drawing back but I was just as stupid as the next Hart Doug so I enrolled in a mail order writing course. They sent me a book called "Writing for Children" which made the point of taking a course MOOT. It had all the instruction I needed.  Plus, my "instructor" didn't send back an assignment for six months and by that time I was writing every day on my first "Hack" radio gig on WBWC. OMIGOSH! Like what time is it man? *Koo Koo Koo Koo Ka Chew*

-Ric

Button Panel #1

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100_3485.JPGWelcome to the near end of my button box junk posts. This is the panel of buttons I put together to make it easier to finish doing these button box junk posts. I have too many to tell stories about on an individual basis. It's just stupid stuff anyway. Again I had to use black dots of pain to cover up the guilty. On that button at the bottom, it was an "in memoriam" pin. I don't remember who the person was or why I came into possession of it. I could have left it out this picture, but I don't think so good. So, "black dots of pain" is that button. Dupe buttons are all over like "Dawg Gone". Not worth repeating.  Otherwise, here goes. 

100_3487.JPG A lot of these pins and in the following pin posts were created when a bunch of us were sitting around our college radio station WBWC with a pile of magazines and a button maker. If I get another Appliance Store button, I'll sic the black dots on them. The monkey was just one of those created at the radio station. The 70's equipment and microphone was a upgrade from the 50's radio crap we used to use. Hell, we thought it was bonus that we had a , what did they call them, a "compact disc" player? I think we got it when record labels started sending CD Singles to promote.  WCSB was another one of the radio stations I provided "content" for with our "Under The Shelf" show. 

You should know the story of Maximum Compact. Get it? Those are the dots and dashes that make up a digital signal. Bwa ha ha ha. Speaking of Nofeast, towards the end of my Parma store and the end of the company's tenure in Cleveland, we had a fly by night extended warranty company that sold coverages for your big screen about $200 less than other warranties at the time. They paid us pretty well too. Trouble was , they went under and guess who was left holding the debt? Lesson learned. We then had GE Financial backing our warranty. They cost more, but GE wasn't going anywhere right? As a company, we were, but not GE Warranty!  You know the handmade badge. It's for an obscure band called "Spudlok". Who would name their radio show "Under The Shelf" and their band "Spudlok"? Hmmmmmm.

100_3488.JPGNow, don't be shocked by the Nazi propaganda up on top. That's a button for the band "The Residents" and I believe that's a likeness of TV's Bill Shatner. I was a minor fan of The Residents, and we called them the "Kings Of The Avante Garde" over on the WBWC hosted by Evan Ford. My friend Bill was all in and knew every nook and cranny about the band that's most famous for appearing as four giant eyeballs. I just couldn't get too much of a groove for these guys. The button is from "Third Reich and Roll" which I wish I could say was a good album, but too odd for my tastes. Therefore I listened to Negativland! "Negativland Is Stupid" with the little Monopoly house was a symbol from their "Big 10-8 Place" album.  I really became a fan when they released "Escape From Noise" album. I covered the boys and their inspirations on me in this post: http://ricochet.boomerthedog.net/blog/junk/2015/07/negativland-rip-don-joyce.html -- The mice button was from  a McPromo for some Dipsney feature that I don't know and don't remember. Maybe it was Cinderelly? Never saw it. "We're you anywhere near Chernobyl comrade?" "I don't remember." (Letterman, summer of '86.)

100_3486.JPGNow we're almost cooking with gas. I think we're cooking with Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagermeister. I made it into the liquor preferred by Bill Clinton. I think I got this button when I got throw uppity from drinking the stuff. I also have a steel stamped ashtray that says Whirlpool from the same night.  What did I do? What did I say? Did I really puke in the buckets used to hold up our radio station's tent? Did we really stop at a quick wash place to rinse the buckets out? 

There's a Zappa button. I like Zappa. I actually had a ton of Zappa and came close to having everything. Then, no job, no future, no rent money, hmmm, these Zappa discs over here gotta be worth something... Then of course, the famous Miami Vice pair of cops, Crockett and Geordi La Forge. Never mind they were a few centuries apart. Then, a self made Kraftwerk "Electric Cafe" pin. Being as this was the first CD I ever bought, it has become the most listened too CD that I own. Why not have a cheap B&W pin created with a xerox and Scotch tape? The Amelia Earhart button was from a previous post. More crap from Curtis Mathes. Well, it's cut off here, but it seems Dolly Parton needs a breast reduction and Nitzer Ebb is on a 10K run. ....and scene.  Button Panel #1, roll away,  adieu. 

-Ric

Radio Flyers

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100_3087.JPGTime to dish the plastic dirt. Why would I keep what looks like two paper plate holders?  You know it's just me setting up another joke for something nobody in their right mind would ever keep. These "plate holders" can indeed be used as plate holders, but I think most that we've ever bought were woven to let air get to your plate when it gets sloppy. I remember mom had a nice set of 4 multi colored wicker woven plate holders. They were pretty nice, but not really sanitary because of all the little folds to hold crumbs and fried chicken grease. When I first moved out on my own, I bought two complete settings at my local dollar store. Big pasta bowls, small cereal bowls,  main plates and small plates. I also bought some plastic bottoms for paper plates and a 500 count paper plate bundle. I also got about 8 forks and spoons and a few knives. I was all set. I figured most of what I ate would come from the three pots I bought and not need a bunch of other stuff. Up until that point, I'd been using my room mate's eatin' junk. Now I was on my own in a cracker box in Toledo.  Turns out, I didn't have very many picnics and I wasn't entertaining 10 people, so I just washed my dishes and avoid paper plates to this day. That is, except at Boomers house where I just bought Boomer a few salad bowls so he has a complete set. Likewise, he was like me in Toledo. Just didn't see the need for more.  Now I have more dishes, but that means I leave dirty dishes in the sink. Mom's only been over a few times....

100_3086.JPGThere we are. Get it? The title? See? Flying discs! See? Radio station logos! See? See? I made a funny there! Gotta be better than half the jokes I make on this blog. Yes, more cheap radio promo crap. I had a few more of these but I think I gave them away or I have them lurking elsewhere. They are the BIG buttons in my button box. No pins. Great exercise if you have a friend to toss it with. I would say toss it to a dog but cheap flying discs like this are supposed to be bad for mutts. That's what I heard. Besides, who wants all those teeth marks in it? It would whistle when I throw 'em.

Well, the first one I got from WIOT. Another perk of the gig. I think I did get one with the new logo on it as well in black and red. It didn't say it was Toledo's Home Of Klinger's Douche. It just said "DOUCHE". Ahhh, if you lived in Toledo, you knew who we were.

The other disk is a storied one. Wanna hear it? Here it goes. The guy I used to run the show for at 3WE and the first one to put my wacky bits on the air and encourage me to do more and "keep 'em short" was Jaz McKay. He did a very funny talk show, was a Dead Head before I knew it was more than a a sticker on a Cadillac. (It's one of Adam Carolla's all time worst songs.) It was the first and only time I thought about quitting a radio gig when he was fired. I wanted to follow him, like Fred Norris to Howard Stern. It wasn't to be and he knew better. Thankfully I got more chops and worked my way to the mid-day comedy producer and bottle washer job with two old time radio pros, Jeff and Flash.

When the job offer to step away from the board and be a "producer" and get benefits and a really tiny salary (but more than I was making) in Toledo, I took the gig. I was working with a morning show with a history in Toledo. Two more radio pros, Jeff and Mark. Four months after I got there, the winds of change blew in and the writing was on the wall. (Clearchannel, IT IS ALIIIIIVEEE!)  It took a year and two months before myself, my boss and the midday guy were canned.  Six weeks later the rest of my morning show team was broomed and a shiny new satellite dish beamed Indiana's "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha" morning show saving the station  about 16 bucks.

In the time I was there, Jaz McKay had gone back to where he had huge success. East Lansing, Michigan. Hey, if you're going to be going from an apartment in Parma, Oh where the neighbors could expire at any time to being #1 DJ in a small market, jump at it. I would. Anybody? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller? He had the "He's Back" billboards and I think had his head pasted on a model's body with a hat over the bits. So, one week during the only vacation I took, I went up there to watch him doing his show. They had an amazing industrial 500 disc or so manual changer system that was computer controlled. It was very mechanical but hey, it was 1996 and MIDIs (files of syntho pop songs) was all you could get for your 100MHZ home computer. His morning show used the manual method. It was great to see Jaz in his element again and in such a short time.

Before I got broomed, I think he got broomed. Something about a FCC fine and then the radio station got "flagged" by the ratings book people . (Bad Ju-Ju) We lost touch when I moved to Louisville but he's working in the great state of CA in Bakersfield. You know it's him as from WIKI he calls his show "The Jaz McKay Radio Extravaganza."  Jaz has the street cred for working a tour at a GUAM radio station. (They fly you down, pay you well, then when you are fired, if you didn't save the $1800 in 1980's cash to get off the island, you were stuck.)  When the idea of putting a show that I did in REAL AUDIO format on a 100MHZ computer on borrowed space from a friend, I thought the NET was the new GUAM.  Could be worse, I could be "on the beach"  (no radio gig at all and working in the insurance industry.) *COUGH* *COUGH*

Oh yeah, "Buzz 95" was his East Lansing station. See? THAT'S why I keep this junk. It reminds me of GOOD ol' BAD ol' times.

-Ric

Radio Flyers

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100_3087.JPGTime to dish the plastic dirt. Why would I keep what looks like two paper plate holders?  You know it's just me setting up another joke for something nobody in their right mind would ever keep. These "plate holders" can indeed be used as plate holders, but I think most that we've ever bought were woven to let air get to your plate when it gets sloppy. I remember mom had a nice set of 4 multi colored wicker woven plate holders. They were pretty nice, but not really sanitary because of all the little folds to hold crumbs and fried chicken grease. When I first moved out on my own, I bought two complete settings at my local dollar store. Big pasta bowls, small cereal bowls,  main plates and small plates. I also bought some plastic bottoms for paper plates and a 500 count paper plate bundle. I also got about 8 forks and spoons and a few knives. I was all set. I figured most of what I ate would come from the three pots I bought and not need a bunch of other stuff. Up until that point, I'd been using my room mate's eatin' junk. Now I was on my own in a cracker box in Toledo.  Turns out, I didn't have very many picnics and I wasn't entertaining 10 people, so I just washed my dishes and avoid paper plates to this day. That is, except at Boomers house where I just bought Boomer a few salad bowls so he has a complete set. Likewise, he was like me in Toledo. Just didn't see the need for more.  Now I have more dishes, but that means I leave dirty dishes in the sink. Mom's only been over a few times....

100_3086.JPGThere we are. Get it? The title? See? Flying discs! See? Radio station logos! See? See? I made a funny there! Gotta be better than half the jokes I make on this blog. Yes, more cheap radio promo crap. I had a few more of these but I think I gave them away or I have them lurking elsewhere. They are the BIG buttons in my button box. No pins. Great exercise if you have a friend to toss it with. I would say toss it to a dog but cheap flying discs like this are supposed to be bad for mutts. That's what I heard. Besides, who wants all those teeth marks in it? It would whistle when I throw 'em.

Well, the first one I got from WIOT. Another perk of the gig. I think I did get one with the new logo on it as well in black and red. It didn't say it was Toledo's Home Of Klinger's Douche. It just said "DOUCHE". Ahhh, if you lived in Toledo, you knew who we were.

The other disk is a storied one. Wanna hear it? Here it goes. The guy I used to run the show for at 3WE and the first one to put my wacky bits on the air and encourage me to do more and "keep 'em short" was Jaz McKay. He did a very funny talk show, was a Dead Head before I knew it was more than a a sticker on a Cadillac. (It's one of Adam Carolla's all time worst songs.) It was the first and only time I thought about quitting a radio gig when he was fired. I wanted to follow him, like Fred Norris to Howard Stern. It wasn't to be and he knew better. Thankfully I got more chops and worked my way to the mid-day comedy producer and bottle washer job with two old time radio pros, Jeff and Flash.

When the job offer to step away from the board and be a "producer" and get benefits and a really tiny salary (but more than I was making) in Toledo, I took the gig. I was working with a morning show with a history in Toledo. Two more radio pros, Jeff and Mark. Four months after I got there, the winds of change blew in and the writing was on the wall. (Clearchannel, IT IS ALIIIIIVEEE!)  It took a year and two months before myself, my boss and the midday guy were canned.  Six weeks later the rest of my morning show team was broomed and a shiny new satellite dish beamed Indiana's "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha" morning show saving the station  about 16 bucks.

In the time I was there, Jaz McKay had gone back to where he had huge success. East Lansing, Michigan. Hey, if you're going to be going from an apartment in Parma, Oh where the neighbors could expire at any time to being #1 DJ in a small market, jump at it. I would. Anybody? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller? He had the "He's Back" billboards and I think had his head pasted on a model's body with a hat over the bits. So, one week during the only vacation I took, I went up there to watch him doing his show. They had an amazing industrial 500 disc or so manual changer system that was computer controlled. It was very mechanical but hey, it was 1996 and MIDIs (files of syntho pop songs) was all you could get for your 100MHZ home computer. His morning show used the manual method. It was great to see Jaz in his element again and in such a short time.

Before I got broomed, I think he got broomed. Something about a FCC fine and then the radio station got "flagged" by the ratings book people . (Bad Ju-Ju) We lost touch when I moved to Louisville but he's working in the great state of CA in Bakersfield. You know it's him as from WIKI he calls his show "The Jaz McKay Radio Extravaganza."  Jaz has the street cred for working a tour at a GUAM radio station. (They fly you down, pay you well, then when you are fired, if you didn't save the $1800 in 1980's cash to get off the island, you were stuck.)  When the idea of putting a show that I did in REAL AUDIO format on a 100MHZ computer on borrowed space from a friend, I thought the NET was the new GUAM.  Could be worse, I could be "on the beach"  (no radio gig at all and working in the insurance industry.) *COUGH* *COUGH*

Oh yeah, "Buzz 95" was his East Lansing station. See? THAT'S why I keep this junk. It reminds me of GOOD ol' BAD ol' times.

-Ric

Sweat Hogs

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100_3177.JPGAnother item I got but never used. I don't think I've ever taken it out of the package. Maybe once. Likely got this when the Cleveland Indians clinched a play off spot for the very first time in ages back in 1995. I was working at the "Monster On The Lake" wearing my producer hat. When we clinched,  the main producer cried. Needless to say, we were allowed a celebratory beverage while we were working! An intern and I went to a bodega for a 24 pack of Buttwiper Light and came back and celebrated. By the time it came around to me running the three hour pancake of the low fidelity Rush replay, the glow had worn off and I produced the highlight tapes of the game for the morning show.

100_3178.JPGActually, this is something good. It's a head wrap to keep you cool. Better still, it was made in Amercia by Clevelanders who needed the gig. Didn't matter if they were minimum wage flunkies, it was a made in the USA product. These are still available and I see they are still made in the USA but where is another question. Heck, I don't even know if they were made in Cleveland. Maybe they were made in PARMA! *Cue Polka Music* *Let's go to Channel 43 and see Superhost's phone booth and the Prize Movie prize wheel.*

100_3179.JPGAHA! There is a union seal on these. Makes me proud to have this gracing my button box on this junk blog. So much junk in this blog was made to come out of a bubble gum machine. This was a quality item made right in our country.  Of course, it says "Go Tribe". Not a Indians or MLB licensed item of course. Gotta keep costs down. We can do that better by the generic illustrations on our package. Funny, it doesn't say that there would be no joy in Cleveland for the next 20 years. Can basketball change that? Zzzzzzzzzzz.

-Ric

Forest City Auto Parts

It's one of the chains in Cleveland that I used to attend when I had cars that needed all sorts of cheap junk and more expensive parts when they broke down. My lack of car trouble began when I bought a 1994 Saturn SL. I stopped needed alternators, distributors, break pads and rotors and muffler parts. (The 1989 Dodge Omni I had was a stainless steel exhaust so that's the exception. Breaks and power steering pumps were another story.) My fondest memories are of those POS cars I had when I had barely enough to afford a ride from McWages. (Dime's worth of gas, up my ass.) Lookit at worthless junk I've saved from various years of car ownership.

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Not all of this debris came from cars I owned. I have a couple of items saved because, well, lets get those out of the way first.

DSCF8529.JPGIn the olden days when American cars were either big guzzlers that fell apart fast or small sh*t boxes that fell apart within six months or a nasty Northeast Ohio winter, manufacturers cut costs in every way. You could get a Pinto or a Vega, radio delete or even a Chevette with no back seat. Of course the Japanese imports were pretty cheap as well, only they tended to run a few years longer. This is the shifter boot from the Honda Civic when it was barely a car. It didn't have carpet, it had a vinyl mat. The shifter was mounted on the floor. It was covered by this. It was my friend's car and the first we pushed it out of the driveway and went joy riding without a license. I don't remember how I got this, likely taken from the car the day it went to the scrap heap. Of course I couldn't drive a stick, but I had to have a memento. I couldn't use it on any of the stick cars I've owned because, well, cheap cars progressed a lot when I got a stick Saturn, so this stayed in my junk box.

DSCF8535.JPGThis is true junk. Really. I was out with friends, but I had my first Hyundai Accent (more on that in a moment.) We were out walking and went to cross the street when I saw this by the side of the road. My guess, it was the center hub cover of a Hyundai Elantra, or Hyundai sCOUPE. They used such covers on more deluxe wheels. This came off of a car either from a pothole or an accident. It was chewed to bits, but it had the Hyundai logo, so I kept it. *shudder* Maybe it was a bad omen...

1979 Chevy Chevette Emergency Brake BOOT

Chevette 2.jpgAin't she a beauty? What a machine. Cost $1000. Immediately started to show why. From small things like the mechanical ventilation controls breaking to the electrical system failing to the main crankshaft pulley falling off. This car was a disaster. It had been in accidents before I got it and it was junk when I traded it for a "step up" car. I got a few things of debris before I traded this car in. One in my junk box is:

DSCF8530.JPGA cheese ball vinyl emergency brake cover. I did get more use out of this on my next car. Hmm, maybe this is an oil cozy? A male splatter guard?

1979 Chevrolet Monza Crap

Monza Ad.jpg


A drunken American autoworker built this! It's a vehicle! It's the good side for this little brown nugget. The stereo was a previously mentioned UNISEF $10 Tokyo Shapiro special. This was what I traded in my Chevette on. Never mind that my brother had owned a 1976 Monza 2X2 that was all Bondo and about as reliable as the Yuengling tap at my local. No, mine was a later model. Mine was different! Mine was 2 years of $200 payments.

Trouble began when the bad side of this car which was not in the ad, was the body damage caused when I was hit and run. Then, every system broke. Alternator, power steering, air conditioning, brakes. Then the rust came. The doors rotted out and would keep shutting once shut. The door latch rusted and fell into the body. I needed to go to Builders Square and buy oversized washers and bolts and hack saw a solution. Two mufflers and pipes later including one wrapping around the axle when backing from a friend's driveway, holy hell was this thing a bucket.

Of course when this ad was placed in my local car shopper magazine, it still had a dealer warranty which paid for very little of the above. After deductible, I got rooked for it, but I could sell the car with it. $2000? What was I thinking? The doors were still in tact.  I resolved to keep it and ran it through all the issues until my hatch window was vandalized which lead to the eventual failure to my cooling system.  I sold it for $50 to be made into a "hovercraft" for a low budget "proposal" for a sci-fi TV pilot which was a half assed dream. To be fair, the guy that was producing that dream also put me on the air and backed me for being his replacement, and that got my first job hosting a morning show. $50 seems like a bargain for that chance.

DSCF8534.JPGFirst saved item? The door handle guard. Never mind that this had fallen off when the plastic around where it was screwed in had rotted away. This was CHEVROLET QUALITY. It's plastic, or it would make a good ashtray.

DSCF8531.JPGThe other thing I saved? The horn cover, which was the center of the steering wheel. No air bags. No stalk mounted horn button. It was in the center. You could hit it. It was a big target. When you took it off and pushed the horn, you got a nice 12V shock. Look at that fake plastic stitching. What's that sh*t at the top?

DSCF8532.JPGMore Chevrolet crap. This was a pin purchased from a flea market that was directly across from the GM Canada plant and was inside an old discount department store. I loved that place with the big plastic tarps hanging from the ceilings where the roof leaked and the gaping pothole filled parking lot. Same flea market moved a few times. I bought a few more cheap pins. Ahhh, it was the 80's. The crap goes on forever.

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Here was more! These were the door locks that I bought from Forest City auto parts. The were supposed to be "theft resistant". They used to make door locks big and round at the top. Perfect to break in and steal your radio. These were tall and smooth. No way to get a coat hanger around it to pull up right? Silly me, with a bit of a crimp in the hanger, I broke into my car several times when I left my keys inside. I could have waited for my door latch to rust out...

Monza Finger.jpgFU cheap Chevrolet crap. Look at the space where there would have been an analog clock. Look at that giant gas gauge. Look at that cheap fake knitted padded dash. Space age silver. Warped plastic cowl. Aren't you glad they came out with the Citation? Um...


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Hey, remember these? When I had the Monza, I worked for my first electronics store Olson/NWS electronics and we sold re-manufactured crap. Kraco stereos re-manufactured? Fisher audio equipment where you had to cut the "magic connector" (which hooked to other Fisher products) and screw on a power adaptor so you could plug it into the wall. I bought this "power doubler" so I could use my Hi Gain 40 channel CB and my new BEL radar detector.

DSCF8538.JPGI remember this was my Christmas gift. It was the best radar detector out there for the price. It has the GaAs diode which was supposed to do blah blah blah. The leader at the time was the Escort radar detector which was $450. This one the next best in tests and was only $150. Good gosh, $150 for this? Indeed I never got a ticket while using it. Of course I was racing around at a speed of max 93 MPH with my 2.5 4 cylinder Monza. I used this in my Dodge Omni as well, and never got a ticket. Actually, the only speeding tickets I ever got were in my Chevette. I found the magic passing gear and got one for 43 in a 35. I did get one when I moved back to Cleveland and was driving 32 in a 25 in a Parma speed trap.  I'm sure this detector might still work, but it's like using a Citizen pocket B&W TV which reflected off a mirror and had a back-light and had no input for anything. See what I'm saying? It would go boop boop beep beep, and that is all.

1999 HYUNDAI ACCENT (or AWWW MY BALLS) Stuff

Hyundai Accident 2.jpgWhoops! Look at this mess. It was my 1999 Hyundai Accent. See what I was saying above? Geeze, was I okay? Annie Annie are you okay? Help!

hyundai damage 01.jpgOkay. Here was the scoop on this car. I had no faith on Hyundai for years. I remember the EXCEL being the biggest batch of badly assembled bolts that it was a throwback to the cars I'd owned before. However, Hyundai pulled a Chrysler and decided to outdo them. 10 Year, 100,000 mile power train warranty. 5 year 100,000 miles on rust. 3 years, 36,000 miles on just about everything else. Suddenly, Hyundai was building a reliable sh*tbox and it cost a few thousand less than other imports. Plus, had better fit and finish than many of the cheap American choices at the time.

My 94 Saturn SL with no air and stick had run forever. $1500 was all I spent on repairs excluding tires and breaks. Nothing major failed. But, it was an accident magnet. Oh what the hell, here is a picture of when it started attracting damage:

Saturn Damage.jpgI worked at WIOT in Toledo and walked out of my apartment to go to work at 5:15am and found this. The police actually ran me to the Meijer nearby so I could buy film to take these pictures. Someone whacked me good, likely a drunk came around the corner at high speed and pushed my car into a rental car and up on the rise. I had to wait while they found the driver of the rental because I couldn't pull my car away without doing more damage to the rental. From there I had a hole put in my hood, a pole on the front and the back, and finally the car gave up it's frame for me when I got clobbered by a fully loaded lumber truck which destroyed a F350 which destroyed the back of my car which damaged the Thunderbird in front of me when I fell back in the seat and let off the break. Whew. Bye bye plastic car. I still have the floor mats from it.

DSCF8536.JPGBack to the damaged Hyundai. The only thing that went wrong with the car while I owned it was the radio. It left a "bonk" on the tape when I ejected it. That's when I learned that the dealer I bought it from really didn't give a damn about customers. Because it was a showroom demo, I got a "2000" Accent manual for it with a promise that I'd get a "99" manual for it. 6 months later... I got it. 6 Months. There were very few squeaks and rattles, and they fixed them all. The tape deck however, they said they couldn't find a problem. So, I had one of the service guys bring a tape of his own to play in my deck and sure enough, he found the problem. Ahhh, but the stereo was on "back order". So, I waited. I solved the problem by fast forwarding the tape until it ended then ejecting it. Another 6 months. Finally, I'd had enough.

I was visiting my Mom in Ohio and locked my keys in the car and called Hyundai service to get me inside. In the process they broke my door lock and I couldn't unlock the door from the outside. Because I was still waiting for my radio, I went to a competitor Hyundai dealer across the river in Louisville. Wow. They had taken care of a ton of people like me because  I had an appointment for a new radio within a week and it was better than what was in the car AND they fixed my door without me going through the claims process for roadside damage. They even shuttled me across the river to work. If I still lived in Louisville, they would always get my business.

DSCF8537.JPGA few weeks later, it was destroyed. I always thought if I got creamed by someone when I was driving a tiny, light car, I'd be a goner.  It was snowy, it was busy, and where I worked, the street let out 500 ft from a rise and a railroad crossing. I pulled out as someone came across at a high speed, and they slammed on the breaks as the came over the rise and slid into me. Let me say, if you never experienced the airbags blowing out on you, you're lucky. I couldn't breathe. I rolled down the passenger window to get some air.  Thankfully I lived through it. My insurance even found $500 to my advantage rather than $2000 to my deficit. Three days later I had bought a used 1999 Nissan Sentra and I drove back to where the accident had occurred and found the headlight. I did take the photos the day after the accident and got the hub cover. Oh yeah, and I also got...

DSCF8547.JPGMy bathroom mat. Although I don't consider that JUNK because it's used every day. Everything else shown above, is indeed JUNK.  I consider my Nissan as the best car I've ever owned with a close second my Saturn SL. But, I'm now a dedicated Hyundai owner. I'd own another Nissan in a heartbeep. Chevrolet? Hmmm. Saturn? Who? Were they a company? Hey, I owned a Grand Am for six months as well. Who? Pontiac? Oh yeah, Dodge. Um... Ford? Um....  Whomever has the best floor mats wins. :)

ARF! -Ric