Results tagged “WIOT”

100_3900.JPGOn my itty bitty kwitzmas twee, I have a lot of debris of favorite things from my past and present. This one was a on-going treat for me every year. It's a beer coaster turned ornament from Cumberland Brews in Lousiville, KY. I've always liked beer beverage but what I drank for beer beverage could hardly be called BEER. It was more CORN SODA. Yes, but the term "Craft Beer" came along and we had a place to go to get bombed with class!I'd been to one or two micros before, but this was my first "home town" "gotta have it". They announced it was opening somewhere in the "Highlands" area of Louisville , but I drove by it several times and didn't see it. One day I looked up and saw images of hops, and thought, that's it!

It is a real small place, bar of about 12 seats and about 7 tables. The head brewer was brewing a batch of beer right in the front window in a large stainless steel cooker and steam was filling the air. It was that cool of a place. A former ice creamery, so the tile needed to have a kitchen where beer could be brewed was perfect. 4 stainless holding tanks were right there as well and then the refrigerator was at the end, all closed in with glass and there was a Mr. Hankey key chain hanging from a valve. (Christmas poo at a beer joint?)  I met the brewer, the owner and the manager all that day as I drank the best beer I'd had. It wasn't that cheap, but pretty cheap for a micro brew of such taste and quality. I went there at least twice a week. When I moved to Cleveland, I always make a point to go back at least once a year.  The place has changed in that they sell more beer and now brew off site, plus the manager and head brewer are no longer there...but the bison burgers are still the same. Cheers.

100_3908.JPGMr. Fat Hanz is showing off his BALLS! Oh? Only ONE BALL?  It's an Indians baseball team ornament with a fat pudgy MF head with some serious eyebrows. For years I put this junk on my tree and not get anything out of the "root root root for the home team." At least this year, we've got something going on. Do baseball players wear toilet seats? Is that the new safety gear? We're All Devo!

100_3898.JPG...and the most debris of the debris I put on my tree every year... I put this in the back of my tree, but I do put this on the tree. Every year.  You know that symbol. Well, I look at it like, I found all this world of wonder from those punks over at the corporate and their operating system for my computer barely powerful enough to microwave a burrito. It was when the net was getting going, and e-mail was becoming a thing. I got a Internet Service Provider and the software they gave me...they told me to use the Internet Explorer program to download Netscape if I wanted to get my e-mails from their Microsoft servers. Microsoft's own server products, not compatible with Microsoft Internet Explorer. Still, I'd still be using Win95, but time marches on. Gee, that's a PEN-GOO-WIN right next to it. Hmmmmm. Hehehehehehehehe.

100_3896.JPGThe MONEY SHOT (TM)  The full rest of the ornaments for this entry. Of course, there's a PEN-GOO-WIN. It's for my favorite hockey team. Really. It's for my favorite computer operating system. Really. It was a premium strapped to a box of Christmas Lifesavers.  The rest are just duplicates of other key chains you've seen from my button box posts. The "SCION" key chain was a really nice and heavy promo given out at the Cleveland auto show for the new and amazing cars from China. Er...Japan? Yep. Toyota's different trendy brand. It had a good run. Do you know anyone that bought one?  There is also a Yuengling key chain bought at the Tampa former Strohs plant on the only beer plant tour I've been on. Free beers. Clearance crap. Plus, everybody's favorite Japanese stripper, Sony Tape. She wore these to cover up her *Shhhhhhh! Check it!*

100_3902.JPGLast but yes last, is the bumper sticker from my beloved Cumberland Brews. I sort of got the vibe that they liked jam music. They always would be playing anything funky or rasta or noodling. I didn't get any reference in the place until I became a fan of the Grateful Dead. Gee, that bumper sticker is a lyric from the song "Ripple". The poster from the 1995 tour still hangs there. Bears. Jerry. Volkswagen Busses. The owner is a DEAD HEAD. Cumberland Blues is a song by the Grateful Dead. Jerry would love the place. Oh, and RIP Ear X-Tacy. The greatest media store in the 'Ville. Okay. Nuff.  -Ricochet

Button Panel #2

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100_3489.JPGYes kids, that is Oprah right smack dab in the center of this, just underneath the pic of Morton Downey Jr. after he said he's been "attacked" Nazis and they painted a swastika backwards on his head. These two buttons have no relation to one another, other than they were created at the radio station when we had access to a button maker and a lot of magazines. I don't even remember what kind of buttons the radio station was making to give away. 

As for Oprah, this was the late 80's. Daytime TV talk shows were taking over the TV. I don't think she was that popular, yet, but she had the reputation for the weight so I couldn't fit her head on a button. See? 80's humor. As for Morton Downey JR., I was a fan of his for a hot minute while he had that talk show with the big spittoon filled with cigarette butts. I even bought his book "Mort Mort Mort" for no apparent reason. After he was off he tried what is thought to be a publicity stunt that even got mentioned in a song by The Impotent Sea Snakes (or GWAR or Insane Clown Posse...I don't know, it's all blending together.) So, now that we got those two pieces of KAHMEDY out of the way, lets get to the rest...

100_3491.JPGCavs! Yay! Of course, when I got this button, likely from the AM station I worked for, we were not the greatest team in the world. In fact, have we ever been? No sausage. Trivisonno.  The big BOSE button I got from working at Nofeast Appliance. It was always an option to even wear name tags, so hell no, we wouldn't wear big advertising crap buttons. We would take them home, not wear them.  Next to it is a novelty button. I used to buy buttons every year for the people I worked with. Back when they had a "Just Buttons" store with thousands of wacky buttons to choose from. Future dead store at a dead mall that would be a future lifestyle center. 80's fun.  Then, jr. high school fun. No button maker here kids. I covered this in a previous post, but here was another handmade button I made when I was a team member of a jr. high school "academic challenge" sort of contest. We did totally suck as I didn't know nuffin. "What is the state of Arkansas called?" "Philadelphia?" Public schools. We just want you out of here. Then, if you wanted to get beat the hell up, you would be DUMBASS enough to wear the freshman button in your high school. Could be worse. Could wear your McDonalds work uniform on Halloween and say that you work at Burger King. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

100_3490.JPGSpeaking of McDonalds, we were part of the great BURGER BALLOT of 1988. See, that was an election year, and those whiz ad peeps over at my on-again, off-again part time gig decided that it was the Big Mac Or The Quarter Pounder that needed the decision.  La la la. I preferred the fish. Then, another radio station button making party button. It was part of the lore that our friend Trevor would portray on the air "The Lightning God" Der Blitzengott. He was the supreme leader over all living things and since he created currency, he had it to burn. Then comes a button I would wear on work aprons. This is Builders Square. YES. I might have been asked once at my tenure there, "I'd like to have this water heater installed by you guys..." SERVICE DESK!

100_3492.JPGGarfinkle The Cat! Yep. In the 80's, a big splash was made whenever a popular weekday comics character would be added to a newspaper's lineup. We were still a "two newspaper" town. We had The Cleveland Press and the Cleveland Plain Dealer. My step father preferred the Press so that's what we got, and when they added a rising star "Garfield The Cat", it was a major news to a drip like me that was getting a taste of early MTV and seeing boobs on the scrambled "Prevue" channel.  I had posters, sheets, pencil toppers, and books. Garfinkle books.  I thought I could save my allowance by taking every Garfield strip out of the newspaper and making my own book with them. I guess after two years, I did something else with my time and money, I MOVED ON. Whatever became of Lymon? I think Nermal was still around...

Then a little later for another hot minute I was a big fan of Ren and Stimpy. Again, I was cable free so I had to rely on my friend Bill to once again be my Ren and Stimpy dealer. "Psssst, hey fat TV salesman, want to see something funny?" I watched the first two seasons over and over but when they fired John K. (the creator of the show) , it went to all fart jokes and ceased being adult and funny.  Come on! Frank Zappa as the POPE? Powdered Toast Man gets a chill and burns the Constitution to warm his ass?   That was comedy :)  Plus, there's my badge when I played the part of a cross walk guard when I was really young. I was pretty good at it too and I shouted "Walk It!" a lot. Only three injuries during my tenure...BOP! Now THAT'S COMEDY!

100_3494.JPGFinally, what every blog owner asks his/herself.  There was the Cosi Toldeo button that I missed as well. I got it when they opened and then dropped a $300 minidisc 50 feet to the floor while doing a bit for WIOT. You see, I was up on the balanced bike on a high wire and well... Plus, it isn't easy being weird. Once again, ask yourself.........


Radio Flyers

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100_3087.JPGTime to dish the plastic dirt. Why would I keep what looks like two paper plate holders?  You know it's just me setting up another joke for something nobody in their right mind would ever keep. These "plate holders" can indeed be used as plate holders, but I think most that we've ever bought were woven to let air get to your plate when it gets sloppy. I remember mom had a nice set of 4 multi colored wicker woven plate holders. They were pretty nice, but not really sanitary because of all the little folds to hold crumbs and fried chicken grease. When I first moved out on my own, I bought two complete settings at my local dollar store. Big pasta bowls, small cereal bowls,  main plates and small plates. I also bought some plastic bottoms for paper plates and a 500 count paper plate bundle. I also got about 8 forks and spoons and a few knives. I was all set. I figured most of what I ate would come from the three pots I bought and not need a bunch of other stuff. Up until that point, I'd been using my room mate's eatin' junk. Now I was on my own in a cracker box in Toledo.  Turns out, I didn't have very many picnics and I wasn't entertaining 10 people, so I just washed my dishes and avoid paper plates to this day. That is, except at Boomers house where I just bought Boomer a few salad bowls so he has a complete set. Likewise, he was like me in Toledo. Just didn't see the need for more.  Now I have more dishes, but that means I leave dirty dishes in the sink. Mom's only been over a few times....

100_3086.JPGThere we are. Get it? The title? See? Flying discs! See? Radio station logos! See? See? I made a funny there! Gotta be better than half the jokes I make on this blog. Yes, more cheap radio promo crap. I had a few more of these but I think I gave them away or I have them lurking elsewhere. They are the BIG buttons in my button box. No pins. Great exercise if you have a friend to toss it with. I would say toss it to a dog but cheap flying discs like this are supposed to be bad for mutts. That's what I heard. Besides, who wants all those teeth marks in it? It would whistle when I throw 'em.

Well, the first one I got from WIOT. Another perk of the gig. I think I did get one with the new logo on it as well in black and red. It didn't say it was Toledo's Home Of Klinger's Douche. It just said "DOUCHE". Ahhh, if you lived in Toledo, you knew who we were.

The other disk is a storied one. Wanna hear it? Here it goes. The guy I used to run the show for at 3WE and the first one to put my wacky bits on the air and encourage me to do more and "keep 'em short" was Jaz McKay. He did a very funny talk show, was a Dead Head before I knew it was more than a a sticker on a Cadillac. (It's one of Adam Carolla's all time worst songs.) It was the first and only time I thought about quitting a radio gig when he was fired. I wanted to follow him, like Fred Norris to Howard Stern. It wasn't to be and he knew better. Thankfully I got more chops and worked my way to the mid-day comedy producer and bottle washer job with two old time radio pros, Jeff and Flash.

When the job offer to step away from the board and be a "producer" and get benefits and a really tiny salary (but more than I was making) in Toledo, I took the gig. I was working with a morning show with a history in Toledo. Two more radio pros, Jeff and Mark. Four months after I got there, the winds of change blew in and the writing was on the wall. (Clearchannel, IT IS ALIIIIIVEEE!)  It took a year and two months before myself, my boss and the midday guy were canned.  Six weeks later the rest of my morning show team was broomed and a shiny new satellite dish beamed Indiana's "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha" morning show saving the station  about 16 bucks.

In the time I was there, Jaz McKay had gone back to where he had huge success. East Lansing, Michigan. Hey, if you're going to be going from an apartment in Parma, Oh where the neighbors could expire at any time to being #1 DJ in a small market, jump at it. I would. Anybody? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller? He had the "He's Back" billboards and I think had his head pasted on a model's body with a hat over the bits. So, one week during the only vacation I took, I went up there to watch him doing his show. They had an amazing industrial 500 disc or so manual changer system that was computer controlled. It was very mechanical but hey, it was 1996 and MIDIs (files of syntho pop songs) was all you could get for your 100MHZ home computer. His morning show used the manual method. It was great to see Jaz in his element again and in such a short time.

Before I got broomed, I think he got broomed. Something about a FCC fine and then the radio station got "flagged" by the ratings book people . (Bad Ju-Ju) We lost touch when I moved to Louisville but he's working in the great state of CA in Bakersfield. You know it's him as from WIKI he calls his show "The Jaz McKay Radio Extravaganza."  Jaz has the street cred for working a tour at a GUAM radio station. (They fly you down, pay you well, then when you are fired, if you didn't save the $1800 in 1980's cash to get off the island, you were stuck.)  When the idea of putting a show that I did in REAL AUDIO format on a 100MHZ computer on borrowed space from a friend, I thought the NET was the new GUAM.  Could be worse, I could be "on the beach"  (no radio gig at all and working in the insurance industry.) *COUGH* *COUGH*

Oh yeah, "Buzz 95" was his East Lansing station. See? THAT'S why I keep this junk. It reminds me of GOOD ol' BAD ol' times.


Howard, Temp Tab, Radio and Retail Debris

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100_3107.JPGI knew I had there somewhere. They were hiding in my Norrell Temp agency tablet in my button box. I had a nice story earlier in this blog about my experiences when Howard came to town and I got to be in the same strip club with him :)  Yes, I had All Access and a Press/Vip badge. It made me feel all important for an intern. Really, how the morning turned out, it was a big bowl of okay. But then, I didn't have a radio or a cell phone back then and had no way of knowing that the wires got sliced and someone was messing with Howie. I was supposed to be on his tour bus, but was sent back in the club to get Jackie The Joke Man's notes. It was probably BS. I do remember it was a good lookin chick who was something to someone that asked me to go back for them. When I came out, the bus was gone.

100_3108.JPGSo, I knew I was supposed to be on there. I wrangled around and finally got a cab/limo/jitney/ SOMEONE gave me a ride to the next stop. Howard was going to appear live on one of the TV morning shows so the driver dropped me off at the TV station and there I waited. I waited. Waited. Something was wrong. I went and checked at the front desk and they said there was a problem with the broadcast. So, I couldn't afford a cab... I walked 15 blocks to the home base. (I was a freakin' intern working part time at a Radio Shack. Broke as a MF'in joke.)  Home base was the radio station. It was closer than the flats and I could call my boss from there to explain. The board operator asked what I was doing there and filled me in on the madness.  Thankfully the program director of the AM station was going down to the outdoor stage show so he took me there.  I sat at the side of the stage as the show went on and the crowd roared. Again, I met the guys from America,  Mike Gange (no potato) and Joey Buttafuco! Yeah! THE Joey Buttafuco. Cross that one off my Awwww F*CKIT list. 

100_3104x.JPGI guess this company got bought out or whatever a few years after I finished my tenure there. I was washed out of radio in Toledo. I muddled in brokeness for 6 weeks and well, I was thinking about going back to Cleveland to see if I could get my old burger flipping gig back.  (Cue Winger's Depression Theme from "Stripes".)  Ahh, but I had new friends on the 100MHZ 14.4 internet.  I could start right away earning 8.50 and hour, full time, with about 10-20 hours overtime at least for the first month or two. All I need to do was move to Louisville. I did indeed. I cashed in my pennies to raise $42. I bought a "Ted Nugent Greatest Hits" tape which I said I'd be listening too the day I left Toledo.  (He and Bob Seger are gods in the Glass City. Go figure.) I figured I'd apply for radio gigs down Kentucky way and get back on my feet. Plus, live cheap with a room mate in a crappy apartment behind a "by the hour" motel. The road to financial security was a dark one, as well as working as a temp when the gig dried up and I went back to the temp pool. That's misery for another blog.


The only "benefit" I ever got from the temp job was, this cheap ass notebook. See our fabulous business cards? We wrote in our name and gave them to anybody that didn't care.  Again, I made some good paychecks while I was working admin (file work and phones) for "flood" claims for a national insurance agency. Lot of overtime, and at one point, my roommate and I were the only temps left. Yeah, we worked our asses off, but that was because we needed the money. They finally cancelled our order. I had a year and eight months working at the same place. The other business cards were some of the five hundred WIOT cards that were made for me. As a producer, I had to give them out for contacts. I may have 400 of them still. and then we got a new logo and I got another five hundred.


I don't know where I got the basketball card holder, but that's what it is. I think it came wrapped in plastic, free with a bottle of ALLSPORT. (Yes, ALLSPORT. It was Gatorade with a bit of fizz but damned if it wasn't a great hangover helper.) I also got a calendar from Northeast. Yay! Christmas bonus! Well, Our Christmas bonus usually came  in January when we got paid for the weeks after black Friday. I would make a ton, especially in the last week before Christmas when desperate people would come in and buy up everything that wasn't nailed down.  Finally, a piece of a plastic sign from Hills department stores.  It's debris that was being swept up from my department when we moved a display case. I couldn't let THAT go. Ahhhhh. Junk.

ARF! -Ric

Keychains Of Fingers

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100_3429x.JPGThe title I gave to this entry is another band from the 60's that I discovered but a few weeks ago. Boomer The Dog has a legal carrier current AM radio station and we were listening to it a few weeks back. A song that was really psychedelic came on and I had to ask what it was. Turns out it's a tune by The Pretty Things called "Bracelets Of Fingers" from the album "S.F.Sorrow". If you like all kinds of music and want to groove to the truly first concept album, you should buy it now. Of course, EMI didn't care and screwed the release. "Tommy" gets the credit as the first story telling album. Let's just say I'm a Pretty Things convert. First GD and then TPT. What's next? Arthur Brown? "I'm the GOD of JUNK"

Okay. I had to give these numbers. Rather than taking a picture of every key chain, in the interest of "that's too much work", I put a bulk picture.

1. Code A Phone- This was likely a premium to sell these wonderfully 70's and 80's devices, the tape drive answering machine. I don't recall that this was the best brand. I don't think it was. They key chain premium helped us crappy salespeople really push those pucks. 2. WIOT - More freebees from my finest radio gig. We gave these away whenever we did radio remotes. Woohoo! Cheap crap to hopefully gain you as a listener. 4. Charter- Yet another freebee. I actually had this bank for a few years for their free checking and the GE clock radio I got when I opened said checking account. This bank had branches in Louisville, so when I moved, I stuck with them. I believe I switched when they changed or closed my branch or I moved home. It's one of those. Who cares. 5. Pentastar- Yeaaaaahhhh Buddy. One to use, one to backup. This was for my 1989 Dodge Omni. The extra one with the extra key. I wonder if it would open the pancake of metal the car likely is by now.

Misnumbered... Well, you've seen this "flashlight" key chain in a previous post. It glows red. I've blocked the name to protect, well, I just blocked the name.

6. Can't Breathe! - This is a Panasonic key chain. When Panasonic was big into the VHS Camcorder market, they were losing sales to peeps that wanted a smaller camcorder. So, they came out with VHS-C.  People would buy these for compatability and yes they were smaller than their full sized camcorders. You took a mini VHS tape and recorded on it, then you had to load it into a battery powered adaptor and it spread the tape out to normal size.  Then you put it into a VCR and the sex juice from the porno that you just watched got on your VHS-C  tape so that when you put it back in the camera.... you came back to buy a VHS-C head cleaner. Did you remember the warranty? In order for Panasonic to sell more , they put tiny remotes in with the camera so that you could play it back without an adaptor or other VCR.  This is a key chain of that remote.  8MM from Sony was the winner of this match. BETA? Hahahaha.  7. HK- Promo for the Harmon Kardon company when they still made some of the best home electronics on the market. Many a Radiolawn was recorded on my TD302 which now has a shrunken faceplate and questionable play back. 8. Marlboro Country- one of the freebees you could get when you buy a carton of cigs before they stopped giving the promos. Cigs themselves are great right? Consider the blessing of having a cig and getting that Nicotine right in your system. HAHAHA. Don't smoke. Never will.  Someone must have given this to me. 

100_3430.JPG Here's 3. It's a  suggested promo item for my band Spudlok. I think I got two of these done at a car show. There was the possibility of making 500 of these so we could give them away at concerts. More things we could throw our no money away on. I don't think they'd let you put "F*CK YOU" on one of these. Well, you probably could. Have you seen the side show that sells junk like this at car shows? Brrrrrrrrrrr.

100_3434.JPG1. LOVE- I don't know why, but the same company with the gold plated flashlight thought it would be great to also give away this surplus 70's style key chain. It was retro. Something to be said about that right? RIGHT?  2. WNCX- See the WIOT entry from above. I loved glomming this cheap crap. 3. Gold Apostrophe- Yep. Another glom, from the company I worked for in Louisville. Nice and shiny. 5. WMMS - I really didn't like WMMS. They had the Buzzard Morning Zoo when I was growing up. Compared to Howie, it was mind numbing 70's and 80's HAHAHA MR. LEONARD crap radio.  However in the mid 80's, they were pretty much it to listen too while going to school. Don't know how I got this but likely it was from one of their remotes at a bar or a Browns game. 6. Lite- In case you're going to have a "cream of the crap" lite beverage and need to open it. Likely also yoinked at a bar. 7. 43 Nudes- This one was easy. It was given to me by my friend Bill who worked at 3WE, recommended me for the gig as he was leaving to work for a fledgling news broadcast at Ch. 43. We both earned next to nothing and it was fun as we never thought we'd get paid for doing something we enjoyed. 8. Ren and Stimpy- Even though I never had cable, my friend Bill did and we became big fans of the first two seasons of Ren and Stimpy. I bought this one. When those knuckleheads at Nick  fired the creator of the cartoon, it became one long fart joke and well, we bought our "George Liquor: American" elsewhere. His name was censored after that.

100_3436.JPGFinally, #4. This well worn, frequently masticated key chain was in use until the 1989 free key chain I got with my first NEW car the Dodge Omni. I can't even remember what symbol was in the center of this. I'm guessing it was a Chevrolet badge because that's what I owned until the new car. I also think it held the keys to the '73 Ford Gran Torino I owned. If this key chain could talk. It would say: "Wash your balls will ya." Maybe it would say: "Hey jackass, I'm not the key fob to a garbage scow, throw away some of that fast food debris." Or, it could say: "NO! Don't put me in the box because you got a new sexy bitch magnet like a powder blue Dodge Omni AMERICA. What does that key fob got that I haven't got? Besides, I have something going on with your Great Northern mall key chain for your house keys... please don't break US up..."


Forest City Auto Parts

It's one of the chains in Cleveland that I used to attend when I had cars that needed all sorts of cheap junk and more expensive parts when they broke down. My lack of car trouble began when I bought a 1994 Saturn SL. I stopped needed alternators, distributors, break pads and rotors and muffler parts. (The 1989 Dodge Omni I had was a stainless steel exhaust so that's the exception. Breaks and power steering pumps were another story.) My fondest memories are of those POS cars I had when I had barely enough to afford a ride from McWages. (Dime's worth of gas, up my ass.) Lookit at worthless junk I've saved from various years of car ownership.


Not all of this debris came from cars I owned. I have a couple of items saved because, well, lets get those out of the way first.

DSCF8529.JPGIn the olden days when American cars were either big guzzlers that fell apart fast or small sh*t boxes that fell apart within six months or a nasty Northeast Ohio winter, manufacturers cut costs in every way. You could get a Pinto or a Vega, radio delete or even a Chevette with no back seat. Of course the Japanese imports were pretty cheap as well, only they tended to run a few years longer. This is the shifter boot from the Honda Civic when it was barely a car. It didn't have carpet, it had a vinyl mat. The shifter was mounted on the floor. It was covered by this. It was my friend's car and the first we pushed it out of the driveway and went joy riding without a license. I don't remember how I got this, likely taken from the car the day it went to the scrap heap. Of course I couldn't drive a stick, but I had to have a memento. I couldn't use it on any of the stick cars I've owned because, well, cheap cars progressed a lot when I got a stick Saturn, so this stayed in my junk box.

DSCF8535.JPGThis is true junk. Really. I was out with friends, but I had my first Hyundai Accent (more on that in a moment.) We were out walking and went to cross the street when I saw this by the side of the road. My guess, it was the center hub cover of a Hyundai Elantra, or Hyundai sCOUPE. They used such covers on more deluxe wheels. This came off of a car either from a pothole or an accident. It was chewed to bits, but it had the Hyundai logo, so I kept it. *shudder* Maybe it was a bad omen...

1979 Chevy Chevette Emergency Brake BOOT

Chevette 2.jpgAin't she a beauty? What a machine. Cost $1000. Immediately started to show why. From small things like the mechanical ventilation controls breaking to the electrical system failing to the main crankshaft pulley falling off. This car was a disaster. It had been in accidents before I got it and it was junk when I traded it for a "step up" car. I got a few things of debris before I traded this car in. One in my junk box is:

DSCF8530.JPGA cheese ball vinyl emergency brake cover. I did get more use out of this on my next car. Hmm, maybe this is an oil cozy? A male splatter guard?

1979 Chevrolet Monza Crap

Monza Ad.jpg

A drunken American autoworker built this! It's a vehicle! It's the good side for this little brown nugget. The stereo was a previously mentioned UNISEF $10 Tokyo Shapiro special. This was what I traded in my Chevette on. Never mind that my brother had owned a 1976 Monza 2X2 that was all Bondo and about as reliable as the Yuengling tap at my local. No, mine was a later model. Mine was different! Mine was 2 years of $200 payments.

Trouble began when the bad side of this car which was not in the ad, was the body damage caused when I was hit and run. Then, every system broke. Alternator, power steering, air conditioning, brakes. Then the rust came. The doors rotted out and would keep shutting once shut. The door latch rusted and fell into the body. I needed to go to Builders Square and buy oversized washers and bolts and hack saw a solution. Two mufflers and pipes later including one wrapping around the axle when backing from a friend's driveway, holy hell was this thing a bucket.

Of course when this ad was placed in my local car shopper magazine, it still had a dealer warranty which paid for very little of the above. After deductible, I got rooked for it, but I could sell the car with it. $2000? What was I thinking? The doors were still in tact.  I resolved to keep it and ran it through all the issues until my hatch window was vandalized which lead to the eventual failure to my cooling system.  I sold it for $50 to be made into a "hovercraft" for a low budget "proposal" for a sci-fi TV pilot which was a half assed dream. To be fair, the guy that was producing that dream also put me on the air and backed me for being his replacement, and that got my first job hosting a morning show. $50 seems like a bargain for that chance.

DSCF8534.JPGFirst saved item? The door handle guard. Never mind that this had fallen off when the plastic around where it was screwed in had rotted away. This was CHEVROLET QUALITY. It's plastic, or it would make a good ashtray.

DSCF8531.JPGThe other thing I saved? The horn cover, which was the center of the steering wheel. No air bags. No stalk mounted horn button. It was in the center. You could hit it. It was a big target. When you took it off and pushed the horn, you got a nice 12V shock. Look at that fake plastic stitching. What's that sh*t at the top?

DSCF8532.JPGMore Chevrolet crap. This was a pin purchased from a flea market that was directly across from the GM Canada plant and was inside an old discount department store. I loved that place with the big plastic tarps hanging from the ceilings where the roof leaked and the gaping pothole filled parking lot. Same flea market moved a few times. I bought a few more cheap pins. Ahhh, it was the 80's. The crap goes on forever.


Here was more! These were the door locks that I bought from Forest City auto parts. The were supposed to be "theft resistant". They used to make door locks big and round at the top. Perfect to break in and steal your radio. These were tall and smooth. No way to get a coat hanger around it to pull up right? Silly me, with a bit of a crimp in the hanger, I broke into my car several times when I left my keys inside. I could have waited for my door latch to rust out...

Monza Finger.jpgFU cheap Chevrolet crap. Look at the space where there would have been an analog clock. Look at that giant gas gauge. Look at that cheap fake knitted padded dash. Space age silver. Warped plastic cowl. Aren't you glad they came out with the Citation? Um...


Hey, remember these? When I had the Monza, I worked for my first electronics store Olson/NWS electronics and we sold re-manufactured crap. Kraco stereos re-manufactured? Fisher audio equipment where you had to cut the "magic connector" (which hooked to other Fisher products) and screw on a power adaptor so you could plug it into the wall. I bought this "power doubler" so I could use my Hi Gain 40 channel CB and my new BEL radar detector.

DSCF8538.JPGI remember this was my Christmas gift. It was the best radar detector out there for the price. It has the GaAs diode which was supposed to do blah blah blah. The leader at the time was the Escort radar detector which was $450. This one the next best in tests and was only $150. Good gosh, $150 for this? Indeed I never got a ticket while using it. Of course I was racing around at a speed of max 93 MPH with my 2.5 4 cylinder Monza. I used this in my Dodge Omni as well, and never got a ticket. Actually, the only speeding tickets I ever got were in my Chevette. I found the magic passing gear and got one for 43 in a 35. I did get one when I moved back to Cleveland and was driving 32 in a 25 in a Parma speed trap.  I'm sure this detector might still work, but it's like using a Citizen pocket B&W TV which reflected off a mirror and had a back-light and had no input for anything. See what I'm saying? It would go boop boop beep beep, and that is all.


Hyundai Accident 2.jpgWhoops! Look at this mess. It was my 1999 Hyundai Accent. See what I was saying above? Geeze, was I okay? Annie Annie are you okay? Help!

hyundai damage 01.jpgOkay. Here was the scoop on this car. I had no faith on Hyundai for years. I remember the EXCEL being the biggest batch of badly assembled bolts that it was a throwback to the cars I'd owned before. However, Hyundai pulled a Chrysler and decided to outdo them. 10 Year, 100,000 mile power train warranty. 5 year 100,000 miles on rust. 3 years, 36,000 miles on just about everything else. Suddenly, Hyundai was building a reliable sh*tbox and it cost a few thousand less than other imports. Plus, had better fit and finish than many of the cheap American choices at the time.

My 94 Saturn SL with no air and stick had run forever. $1500 was all I spent on repairs excluding tires and breaks. Nothing major failed. But, it was an accident magnet. Oh what the hell, here is a picture of when it started attracting damage:

Saturn Damage.jpgI worked at WIOT in Toledo and walked out of my apartment to go to work at 5:15am and found this. The police actually ran me to the Meijer nearby so I could buy film to take these pictures. Someone whacked me good, likely a drunk came around the corner at high speed and pushed my car into a rental car and up on the rise. I had to wait while they found the driver of the rental because I couldn't pull my car away without doing more damage to the rental. From there I had a hole put in my hood, a pole on the front and the back, and finally the car gave up it's frame for me when I got clobbered by a fully loaded lumber truck which destroyed a F350 which destroyed the back of my car which damaged the Thunderbird in front of me when I fell back in the seat and let off the break. Whew. Bye bye plastic car. I still have the floor mats from it.

DSCF8536.JPGBack to the damaged Hyundai. The only thing that went wrong with the car while I owned it was the radio. It left a "bonk" on the tape when I ejected it. That's when I learned that the dealer I bought it from really didn't give a damn about customers. Because it was a showroom demo, I got a "2000" Accent manual for it with a promise that I'd get a "99" manual for it. 6 months later... I got it. 6 Months. There were very few squeaks and rattles, and they fixed them all. The tape deck however, they said they couldn't find a problem. So, I had one of the service guys bring a tape of his own to play in my deck and sure enough, he found the problem. Ahhh, but the stereo was on "back order". So, I waited. I solved the problem by fast forwarding the tape until it ended then ejecting it. Another 6 months. Finally, I'd had enough.

I was visiting my Mom in Ohio and locked my keys in the car and called Hyundai service to get me inside. In the process they broke my door lock and I couldn't unlock the door from the outside. Because I was still waiting for my radio, I went to a competitor Hyundai dealer across the river in Louisville. Wow. They had taken care of a ton of people like me because  I had an appointment for a new radio within a week and it was better than what was in the car AND they fixed my door without me going through the claims process for roadside damage. They even shuttled me across the river to work. If I still lived in Louisville, they would always get my business.

DSCF8537.JPGA few weeks later, it was destroyed. I always thought if I got creamed by someone when I was driving a tiny, light car, I'd be a goner.  It was snowy, it was busy, and where I worked, the street let out 500 ft from a rise and a railroad crossing. I pulled out as someone came across at a high speed, and they slammed on the breaks as the came over the rise and slid into me. Let me say, if you never experienced the airbags blowing out on you, you're lucky. I couldn't breathe. I rolled down the passenger window to get some air.  Thankfully I lived through it. My insurance even found $500 to my advantage rather than $2000 to my deficit. Three days later I had bought a used 1999 Nissan Sentra and I drove back to where the accident had occurred and found the headlight. I did take the photos the day after the accident and got the hub cover. Oh yeah, and I also got...

DSCF8547.JPGMy bathroom mat. Although I don't consider that JUNK because it's used every day. Everything else shown above, is indeed JUNK.  I consider my Nissan as the best car I've ever owned with a close second my Saturn SL. But, I'm now a dedicated Hyundai owner. I'd own another Nissan in a heartbeep. Chevrolet? Hmmm. Saturn? Who? Were they a company? Hey, I owned a Grand Am for six months as well. Who? Pontiac? Oh yeah, Dodge. Um... Ford? Um....  Whomever has the best floor mats wins. :)

ARF! -Ric