Welcome in to the Christmas Junk Series. I'll try to get a few more posts up before Christmas. Hey, everyputz needs a vacation. I don't even have my tree up yet. So, I'll just take the longest series of pictures I have in my collection and do it as a happy holidays greet post. Yes, you must be laughing now. I don't have a train set. I don't have a "collectable village". Yet, I HAD to buy this. It was $5! It was a bargain. It was advertising the second coming of Woolworths stores minus the eatin' counters. It's for "indoor use only." If you put it outside, it will grow thousands of times the size and peeps will start coming in and asking if you have cheap toilet paper or fake Listerine for $3.
....and that's all she wrote. You see, I used to love Woolworths but never shopped there. I would go there from time to time for something nobody else would have. Need a plastic laundry drying rack? They would have it. Need a cut out of Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band Movie Soundtrack? They would have it. Wanted one of them photo booth strips taken? They'd have it. Wanted a 10oz glass of Coke with those pebble ice and a burger and fries all for about $3? They would have it. They all closed and the world was thinner for 5 and 10 stores. Dollar Stores started to creep in, but when I moved to Louisville, I found what would become a store I could swear in. Er... By...
Gotta love foam. It's so permanent. My Saturn had foam pieces parts as does every modern car on the road. In fact, my Saturn's engine was cast with a foam base! I remember seeing the slight grooves in the block that looks like foam was there. Neat. The caution tag is a bit of a worry. This has an electric lamp in it, but I can't use it as a night light? Only a max of 90 days? Um, why? Is this DG store going to self destruct leaving a pile of cheap batteries and generic pop? You mean this won't disintegrate into Xtra detergent and 5$ sweat pants? Moving on.
Really? Really? You're kidding. You mean these were such hot $5 items that I might have wandered into some other dollar store, maybe one that sells pottery pets with from China with human naughty bits attached? I'd walk in and ask the minimum wage employee: "Do you have any official Vintage Dollar General Store light up small city decorations?" They'd likely say "Yes! Yes we do! Just got a shipment in yesterday. 1500 of those little worthless things and we're selling then for $3.00 each, 14 for $6. Can I put you down for 7? Buy 13 get 26 free!" I'd reply "...but do they have a CERTIFICATE of AUTHENTICITY? I may want to put this outside for 6 months and I need to be assured it's a genuine DOLGENCORP!" "No sir, these are BLEMS and have a full set of human naughty bits on the side of the building." "Sorry, it's not what I want, I will take the 1.00 bag of frozen simulated meatballs and some $1 packs of Eclipse gum."
All jokes aside, I love shopping at DOLllarGENeralCORPoration stores. If you have no other store close by other than drug stores or even said dollar store, you can count on Dollar General. Cheapest prices on staples that we all need and want. You may find something a few cents cheaper at a Wally store, but the hassle.. Laundry detergent, mouthwash, over the counter drugs, paper products, bath products, cheap groceries, even certain clothing, electronics or kitchen stuff... Of course, they have crap like this as well. It was cheap. It's kinda nice. It's a Christmas tradition. Please.
See? It's AUTHENTIC! No human bits hanging out of a window. I mean, were there Chinese workers paid 15 cents an hour to breathe in the paint to spread on the bad pretzel shaped windows at the top? Have you passed a nail place in a mall lately? Did the employees that made this little trinket say the hell with it and migrated to America only to paint mini American flags on fingernails? We're the land of opportunity all right. Yeah, I'm being too hard on the makers of this fine Christmas heirloom. "Son, I will leave you my Authentic DOLGENCORP store in my will. You can cherish it for many years to come." "Dad, I'm getting married to George, your best friend." "This is a HEIRLOOM, I better not hear the corner of it ending up where it shouldn't!"
"But DAD! You plug it in! It has to vibrate!" "Son, I think I should tell you, you're part wolf! I've been able to suppress it but when you're playing basketball you're going to turn into a man beast and everybody in the gym will cheer." "Dad? You been drinking?" "Yes son, I'm in the bag right now. That's why I so much love when it's time to light up this AUTHENTIC heirloom, and then I'll go and buy a $5 non stick frying pan and some cheap batteries." "So, you're okay with me and George?" "Whatever makes you happy son. You can even wear Mom's dress." "SquEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" *scene*
The MONEY SHOT! It lights up. When the lights are low and the tree is lit, I have this little gem sitting under the tree next to the Big Lots cap and under the Augustiner aluminium beer bottle. I don't think anybody has said anything about it. It's not a conversation piece. I get more comments on the beer cans hanging or the retail debris. F-It. It was my $5 investment that will last forever as long as it's less than 90 days.
"Good night John Boy."
"Good night President Quayle."
DOLGENCORP JUNK BLOG.